Maybe it's because my little one has hit the big milestone of one year.
Maybe it's because my brother and sister-in-law are expecting another baby.
Maybe it's just because sometimes I get sentimental.
But lately, I've been thinking so much about the little peanut that I lost.
And I'm at peace with it all now.
I lost you because God had a plan. I know, I know - how cliche. But if I had you then I wouldn't have Sadie. And because I lost you, I treasure her so much more.
It's hard to put into words, but I'll try.
You know how they say you don't know what you have until it's gone? Imagine that. Times a million.
Not a day goes by that I don't thank God over and over again for giving me Sadie. When she's crying all night. When she's clearly defiant. Because I know how quickly they can be taken away.
I'm not saying that parents who have never experienced loss can't be thankful for their children. But I honestly don't see how you can possibly understand the level of thankfulness that you can have unless you have lost one. To see all of your dreams taken away...being completely powerless to save your child...it's a feeling that is beyond just tough to swallow. It rips your soul into pieces.
I hold Sadie a little tighter when she's sick. I have more patience when she's difficult.
So for that, I am thankful (well, as thankful as you can be) for my miscarriage.
Because without it, I wouldn't be even half of the mother that I am now.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Bucket List Update
12 Down, 40 to go!
Things I want to do before I die: (to be continued) -
1. Go to NYC, stay out all night & end with breakfast at an all-night diner dive.
2. Fly around the world.
3. Visit all 7 continents.
4. Get married. October 10, 2009
5. Become fluent in another language.
6. Dance on a bar. Spring Break 2006
7. Own 1 ridiculously expensive material item (and only one!)
8. Follow the Nile and climb the Great Pyramids.
9. Go on an African Safari.
10. Jump off a waterfall somewhere exotic.
11. Stay out all night and watch the sun come up. March 13, 2013
12. Visit all 50 states.
13. Spend a night somewhere haunted.
14. Visit an active volcano.
15. See all 7 Wonders of the World.
16. Go snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef.
17. Drink Guinness in Dublin.
18. See the Galapagos Islands.
19. Go on a Gondola ride in Venice.
20. Get soaked by the spray at Niagara Falls.
21. Jump in a New York taxi and yell, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" May 5, 2012
22. See the Amazon Rain Forest.
23. See the Sydney Opera House.
24. Watch Wimbledon.
25. Float on the Dead Sea.
26. Ride in a limo. February 24, 2011
27. Stay in a 5 star hotel.
28. Crash a wedding.
29. Have $1 million in the bank.
30. Put my feet in all of the oceans.
31. Go skinny dipping.
32. Sing karaoke. December 7, 2012
33. Be in a food fight.
34. Go kite surfing.
35. Go zorbing (google it if you don't know what that is). August 11, 2012
36. Read the entire Bible.
37. Slow-dance in the rain.
38.See a movie in a drive-thru theater. May 23, 2014 (Blended)
39. Ride a mechanical bull. (Don't remember the exact date, but I think it was in 2007)
40. See the Northern Lights.
41. Hear the Tran Siberian Orchestra play live. November 2008
42. Stay in a bungalo on the water in Tahiti.
43. See the Playboy Mansion's grotto, in person
44. Place a bet at the Kentucky Derby.
45. Play BlackJack in a Las Vegas Casino & win.
46. Swing on a trapeeze.
47. Sit on the top of a double decker bus in London.
48. Ski in Colorado or Wyoming.
49. Have a glass of wine in Napa Valley.
50. Spend an entire day with no clothes on.
51. (write in!) Take a Hot Air Balloon Ride October 6, 2012
52. (write in!) Swim with dolphins in the Caribbean March 13, 2013
Things I want to do before I die: (to be continued) -
1. Go to NYC, stay out all night & end with breakfast at an all-night diner dive.
2. Fly around the world.
3. Visit all 7 continents.
5. Become fluent in another language.
7. Own 1 ridiculously expensive material item (and only one!)
8. Follow the Nile and climb the Great Pyramids.
9. Go on an African Safari.
10. Jump off a waterfall somewhere exotic.
12. Visit all 50 states.
13. Spend a night somewhere haunted.
14. Visit an active volcano.
15. See all 7 Wonders of the World.
16. Go snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef.
17. Drink Guinness in Dublin.
18. See the Galapagos Islands.
19. Go on a Gondola ride in Venice.
20. Get soaked by the spray at Niagara Falls.
22. See the Amazon Rain Forest.
23. See the Sydney Opera House.
24. Watch Wimbledon.
25. Float on the Dead Sea.
27. Stay in a 5 star hotel.
28. Crash a wedding.
29. Have $1 million in the bank.
30. Put my feet in all of the oceans.
31. Go skinny dipping.
33. Be in a food fight.
34. Go kite surfing.
36. Read the entire Bible.
37. Slow-dance in the rain.
38.
40. See the Northern Lights.
42. Stay in a bungalo on the water in Tahiti.
43. See the Playboy Mansion's grotto, in person
44. Place a bet at the Kentucky Derby.
45. Play BlackJack in a Las Vegas Casino & win.
46. Swing on a trapeeze.
47. Sit on the top of a double decker bus in London.
48. Ski in Colorado or Wyoming.
49. Have a glass of wine in Napa Valley.
50. Spend an entire day with no clothes on.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Miscarriage.
It's a topic everyone wants to ignore. Just glaze over it and hope it all goes away.
Let me just tell you, it doesn't.
It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I can put this into words. And even now, certain words, pictures and thoughts can bring me to tears. If you think knowing someone who had a miscarriage is rough, try being that person.
Yes, I lost my first baby. People who haven't experienced it sometimes say it doesn't count because I didn't give birth. Because we didn't have a full-on nursery with a complete set of baby clothes waiting. While I hope to God I never experience the pain of a late term loss or losing my child after it's born...I was pregnant, I loved my baby, I had hopes and dreams for it just like any mother would. So no, I don't think that losing my baby early makes me any less of a mother.
The short version of our story is like a lot of couples. We started "trying by not preventing" and to our amazement, became pregnant almost immediately. The excitement was incredible - no one knew we were even thinking about trying so it was a huge surprise to all of our family and close friends. At the first appointment, we saw our little peanut and saw that glorious heart beating. Looking back now, the ultrasound tech clearly saw something we didn't and we were asked to come back a week later. One week later, our baby's heartbeat was gone.
I can't even explain to you the amount of pain that covers your entire body when you find out the child you're carrying has no heartbeat. I cried for days, I didn't sleep and only ate when someone forced me to. It's a pain that compares to nothing else I have ever experienced. You go through guilt, wondering if it was something you did. You go through anger, asking God why He took your baby - a baby that was wanted and would be loved, when so many other babies come into this world so unwanted or unloved. You go through embarassment - so many people you know were able to carry their babies full term so what is wrong with you and your body?
But since no one wants to talk about it, no one ever knows how to react. So here's a list of 5 things that I feel like were important and I wished people had known. This may not apply to 100% of everyone who has experienced loss of course, but judging from an online loss forum I'm a part of, I would say most women agree.
1. Don't call. Yes, I know you think a good friend would call to cheer you up, to offer condolences. Don't do it. Text, email, send a card or flowers. But don't call. If your friend is like me, I wouldn't even answer the phone - not even for my best friend in the world. The only people I could talk to were my husband and my mother. Letting someone know that they're in your thoughts and prayers is perfect. But don't force them to talk on the phone when they are trying to work through all of these emotions and hormones. I'm a pretty talkative and upbeat person normally. But even when I was on the phone with my mom, it was pretty quiet conversations.
2. Don't constantly post ultrasound pictures on Facebook or post about nothing but your children. Yeah, I know - once you have kids they're your life. I get it. But what you may not get is that chances are, people on your friends list have experienced the loss of a baby. Put yourself in their shoes. You just lost your baby. Do you think you could handle seeing picture after picture in your newsfeed? Now, before you get all bent out of shape - I know it's pretty unrealistic to ask people to not post nonstop about their baby/children. But don't get offended when people aren't liking/commenting on your posts. If we even have our Facebook active after all those postings (I deactivated mine for 6 months), we've probably blocked you. Don't take it personally. It's part of our recovery. We'll be back eventually.
3. Don't assume that we don't want to talk about it. But don't assume we do want to talk about it either. For me, it depended on the day and the person. Some days (and this was months later) I was able to talk about it with certain people and it was really therapeutic for me. Some days I just couldn't talk about it.
4. Let them know you're thinking about them, especially when real life kicks back in. It doesn't have to be with words or expensive gifts. One of the few women at work that I had confided in pre-miscarriage left a flower on my desk on the day I finally came back to work. Yes, I cried for about 2 hours after that, but it made me feel so cared about. If you think coming back to work after having a baby is hard, try coming back to work after you just lost your baby. Then you'll know the definition of crying all day. I had a D&C with my miscarriage, which kept me pumped with drugs for days. Drugs plus leftover hormones equals painstakingly long days. Having to go back to work was harder than you can imagine. The smallest thing would trigger my tears. I was lucky enough to have a boss who was extremely compassionate - if I needed to leave, I was cleared to just walk out the door whenever.
5. Don't call to say you're pregnant. Oh man. I got a double whammy with this. My sister in law and best friend both became pregnant right after me - they are now due less than a month later than I was originally due. This goes back to #1 on my list. Look, I know you're trying to be a good friend and do the right thing. But even if this announcement is coming months later, it's still more painful than you can imagine. Email or text first. Then we have time to process the news, cry if we need to and grieve for our baby. We're happy for you - promise. But we're sad for ourselves at the same time. There's so many bittersweet emotions involved. Forcing us to put on a happy face for your pregnancy when we're still grieving our own is cruel - a well intentioned cruel, but cruel. We chat, we muster up the happiest voice we can manage, and as soon as we can, we get off the phone and cry our eyes out. Let us process the information and grieve on our own, then when we're able to talk to you, the happiness will be genuine.
Just remember that miscarriage changes a person, especially when it's their first. The rose colored glasses are gone. The excitement over a new pregnancy will still be there, but the stress is constant. Appointment days are terrifying. I cringe when I see people post about their pregnancies on Facebook when they're only 8 or 9 weeks into it. Or even before their first trimester.
It doesn't matter how good it looks or how good of health you're in. It can happen to anyone and I'm proof of that.
Let me just tell you, it doesn't.
It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I can put this into words. And even now, certain words, pictures and thoughts can bring me to tears. If you think knowing someone who had a miscarriage is rough, try being that person.
Yes, I lost my first baby. People who haven't experienced it sometimes say it doesn't count because I didn't give birth. Because we didn't have a full-on nursery with a complete set of baby clothes waiting. While I hope to God I never experience the pain of a late term loss or losing my child after it's born...I was pregnant, I loved my baby, I had hopes and dreams for it just like any mother would. So no, I don't think that losing my baby early makes me any less of a mother.
The short version of our story is like a lot of couples. We started "trying by not preventing" and to our amazement, became pregnant almost immediately. The excitement was incredible - no one knew we were even thinking about trying so it was a huge surprise to all of our family and close friends. At the first appointment, we saw our little peanut and saw that glorious heart beating. Looking back now, the ultrasound tech clearly saw something we didn't and we were asked to come back a week later. One week later, our baby's heartbeat was gone.
I can't even explain to you the amount of pain that covers your entire body when you find out the child you're carrying has no heartbeat. I cried for days, I didn't sleep and only ate when someone forced me to. It's a pain that compares to nothing else I have ever experienced. You go through guilt, wondering if it was something you did. You go through anger, asking God why He took your baby - a baby that was wanted and would be loved, when so many other babies come into this world so unwanted or unloved. You go through embarassment - so many people you know were able to carry their babies full term so what is wrong with you and your body?
But since no one wants to talk about it, no one ever knows how to react. So here's a list of 5 things that I feel like were important and I wished people had known. This may not apply to 100% of everyone who has experienced loss of course, but judging from an online loss forum I'm a part of, I would say most women agree.
1. Don't call. Yes, I know you think a good friend would call to cheer you up, to offer condolences. Don't do it. Text, email, send a card or flowers. But don't call. If your friend is like me, I wouldn't even answer the phone - not even for my best friend in the world. The only people I could talk to were my husband and my mother. Letting someone know that they're in your thoughts and prayers is perfect. But don't force them to talk on the phone when they are trying to work through all of these emotions and hormones. I'm a pretty talkative and upbeat person normally. But even when I was on the phone with my mom, it was pretty quiet conversations.
2. Don't constantly post ultrasound pictures on Facebook or post about nothing but your children. Yeah, I know - once you have kids they're your life. I get it. But what you may not get is that chances are, people on your friends list have experienced the loss of a baby. Put yourself in their shoes. You just lost your baby. Do you think you could handle seeing picture after picture in your newsfeed? Now, before you get all bent out of shape - I know it's pretty unrealistic to ask people to not post nonstop about their baby/children. But don't get offended when people aren't liking/commenting on your posts. If we even have our Facebook active after all those postings (I deactivated mine for 6 months), we've probably blocked you. Don't take it personally. It's part of our recovery. We'll be back eventually.
3. Don't assume that we don't want to talk about it. But don't assume we do want to talk about it either. For me, it depended on the day and the person. Some days (and this was months later) I was able to talk about it with certain people and it was really therapeutic for me. Some days I just couldn't talk about it.
4. Let them know you're thinking about them, especially when real life kicks back in. It doesn't have to be with words or expensive gifts. One of the few women at work that I had confided in pre-miscarriage left a flower on my desk on the day I finally came back to work. Yes, I cried for about 2 hours after that, but it made me feel so cared about. If you think coming back to work after having a baby is hard, try coming back to work after you just lost your baby. Then you'll know the definition of crying all day. I had a D&C with my miscarriage, which kept me pumped with drugs for days. Drugs plus leftover hormones equals painstakingly long days. Having to go back to work was harder than you can imagine. The smallest thing would trigger my tears. I was lucky enough to have a boss who was extremely compassionate - if I needed to leave, I was cleared to just walk out the door whenever.
5. Don't call to say you're pregnant. Oh man. I got a double whammy with this. My sister in law and best friend both became pregnant right after me - they are now due less than a month later than I was originally due. This goes back to #1 on my list. Look, I know you're trying to be a good friend and do the right thing. But even if this announcement is coming months later, it's still more painful than you can imagine. Email or text first. Then we have time to process the news, cry if we need to and grieve for our baby. We're happy for you - promise. But we're sad for ourselves at the same time. There's so many bittersweet emotions involved. Forcing us to put on a happy face for your pregnancy when we're still grieving our own is cruel - a well intentioned cruel, but cruel. We chat, we muster up the happiest voice we can manage, and as soon as we can, we get off the phone and cry our eyes out. Let us process the information and grieve on our own, then when we're able to talk to you, the happiness will be genuine.
Just remember that miscarriage changes a person, especially when it's their first. The rose colored glasses are gone. The excitement over a new pregnancy will still be there, but the stress is constant. Appointment days are terrifying. I cringe when I see people post about their pregnancies on Facebook when they're only 8 or 9 weeks into it. Or even before their first trimester.
It doesn't matter how good it looks or how good of health you're in. It can happen to anyone and I'm proof of that.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Wednesday Woes.
Some days I feel like I live in a different bubble than everyone around me. Their fears and worries are so trivial. They have no idea what it's like to have those worst fears and worries come true.
I wish I could tell them how lucky they are. And how they really don't have it so bad after all. But that would mean I have to speak from my personal experience. And that's information that only a few people know.
One day I'm going to write a blog about what not to do in these situations. Because people who haven't gone through it get it wrong. Horribly wrong. And the pain from it lingers for months. Even now, when everything has changed...the pain is still there and the hurt is still there.
I wish I could tell them how lucky they are. And how they really don't have it so bad after all. But that would mean I have to speak from my personal experience. And that's information that only a few people know.
One day I'm going to write a blog about what not to do in these situations. Because people who haven't gone through it get it wrong. Horribly wrong. And the pain from it lingers for months. Even now, when everything has changed...the pain is still there and the hurt is still there.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Bucket List Update
11 Down, 43 to go!
Things I want to do before I die: (to be continued)
1. Go to NYC, stay out all night & end with breakfast at an all-night diner dive.
2. Fly around the world.
3. Visit all 7 continents.
4. Get married. October 10, 2009
5. Become fluent in another language.
6. Dance on a bar. Spring Break 2006
7. Own 1 ridiculously expensive material item (and only one!)
8. Follow the Nile and climb the Great Pyramids.
9. Go on an African Safari.
10. Jump off a waterfall somewhere exotic.
11. Stay out all night and watch the sun come up. March 13, 2013
12. Visit all 50 states.
13. Spend a night somewhere haunted.
14. Visit an active volcano.
15. See all 7 Wonders of the World.
16. Go snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef.
17. Drink Guinness in Dublin.
18. See the Galapagos Islands.
19. Go on a Gondola ride in Venice.
20. Get soaked by the spray at Niagara Falls.
21. Jump in a New York taxi and yell, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" May 5, 2012
22. See the Amazon Rain Forest.
23. See the Sydney Opera House.
24. Watch Wimbledon.
25. Float on the Dead Sea.
26. Ride in a limo. February 24, 2011
27. Stay in a 5 star hotel.
28. Celebrate New Year's in Times Square.
29. Have $1 million in the bank.
30. Put my feet in all of the oceans.
31. Go skinny dipping.
32. Sing karaoke. December 7, 2012
33. Be in a food fight.
34. Go kite surfing.
35. Go zorbing (google it if you don't know what that is). August 11, 2012
36. Read the entire Bible.
37. Slow-dance in the rain.
38. See a movie in a drive-thru theater.
39. Ride a mechanical bull. (Don't remember the exact date, but I think it was in 2007)
40. See the Northern Lights.
41. Hear the Tran Siberian Orchestra play live. November 2008
42. Stay in a bungalo on the water in Tahiti.
43. See the Playboy Mansion's grotto, in person
44. Place a bet at the Kentucky Derby.
45. Play BlackJack in a Las Vegas Casino & win.
46. Swing on a trapeeze.
47. Sit on the top of a double decker bus in London.
48. Ski in Colorado or Wyoming.
49. Have a glass of wine in Napa Valley.
50. Spend an entire day with no clothes on.
51. (write in!) Take a Hot Air Balloon Ride October 6, 2012
52. (write in!) Swim with dolphins in the Caribbean March 13, 2013
Things I want to do before I die: (to be continued)
1. Go to NYC, stay out all night & end with breakfast at an all-night diner dive.
2. Fly around the world.
3. Visit all 7 continents.
5. Become fluent in another language.
7. Own 1 ridiculously expensive material item (and only one!)
8. Follow the Nile and climb the Great Pyramids.
9. Go on an African Safari.
10. Jump off a waterfall somewhere exotic.
12. Visit all 50 states.
13. Spend a night somewhere haunted.
14. Visit an active volcano.
15. See all 7 Wonders of the World.
16. Go snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef.
17. Drink Guinness in Dublin.
18. See the Galapagos Islands.
19. Go on a Gondola ride in Venice.
20. Get soaked by the spray at Niagara Falls.
22. See the Amazon Rain Forest.
23. See the Sydney Opera House.
24. Watch Wimbledon.
25. Float on the Dead Sea.
27. Stay in a 5 star hotel.
28. Celebrate New Year's in Times Square.
29. Have $1 million in the bank.
30. Put my feet in all of the oceans.
31. Go skinny dipping.
33. Be in a food fight.
34. Go kite surfing.
36. Read the entire Bible.
37. Slow-dance in the rain.
38. See a movie in a drive-thru theater.
40. See the Northern Lights.
42. Stay in a bungalo on the water in Tahiti.
43. See the Playboy Mansion's grotto, in person
44. Place a bet at the Kentucky Derby.
45. Play BlackJack in a Las Vegas Casino & win.
46. Swing on a trapeeze.
47. Sit on the top of a double decker bus in London.
48. Ski in Colorado or Wyoming.
49. Have a glass of wine in Napa Valley.
50. Spend an entire day with no clothes on.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
New Chapter
And here I thought the start to 2012 was rough.
Two doctors' appointments, a surgery and an emergency room visit later...it's time to move on.
No matter. This may have been the most horrible few weeks of my life but it's time for a new beginning. I have, hands down, the most incredible husband I could ever ask for. He's been my rock and my support. I never could have made it through this without him.
Time for a new beginning. My 2013 starts tomorrow, on my birthday. Hopefully the "bad" of 2013 is already behind us.
On the bright side, at least we've hit our insurance deductible in the first week of the year! Woo!
Two doctors' appointments, a surgery and an emergency room visit later...it's time to move on.
No matter. This may have been the most horrible few weeks of my life but it's time for a new beginning. I have, hands down, the most incredible husband I could ever ask for. He's been my rock and my support. I never could have made it through this without him.
Time for a new beginning. My 2013 starts tomorrow, on my birthday. Hopefully the "bad" of 2013 is already behind us.
On the bright side, at least we've hit our insurance deductible in the first week of the year! Woo!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)