It’s the little verses that get me.
It’s hard for me to understand people who say they don’t think God speaks to them. He does. We all go through times that are rough; sometimes for reasons we can’t even understand. For the past week, I’ve been praying for Him to lift my spirits and make my soul happy again. This morning, the verse beginning my devotion:
He restores my soul. Psalm 23:3
He does. He always reminds me along the way who’s really in charge here.
I try to pray each night, in bed, as I go to sleep. Sometimes I fall asleep while I’m praying. I used to feel guilty about it. Someone told me I didn’t take my prayer life seriously enough if I fell asleep while I was talking to God. I disagree.
Who better to fall asleep talking to? Don’t we remember those nights with our best friends, talking and giggling all night until we finally fell asleep? Do you never talk to your spouse in bed, late into the night?
I try to keep Him on my mind all day. But at night is when I feel like my soul is quiet. I can lay out everything that’s bothering me, all my struggles and worries. He restores my soul and I fall into a peaceful sleep. If I can’t sleep, I talk to him until I feel His peace wash over me.
So no, I don’t feel guilty if I fall asleep while praying. I don’t think there’s one “right” way to pray. I think this is how I best talk with God and you know what? I think He agrees.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Thinking Positively.
A couple of wonderful friends were inquiring how things were going today so here goes.
We find out tomorrow if it's finally over or if it's finally time for this lung surgery they've been threatening.
Hopefully it's over this time. No more medications, no more biopsies, no more CT scans. No more cancer talk.
The realization is...it could be over. Six months of this stress could be over.
Or...it could be another six-plus months of stress.
He got sick last November. I honestly didn't know if he was going to make it. 103 fever for over a week. Liver function kept deteriorating from the medicines we gave him to treat the fever. Nothing we or the doctors did worked. I was terrified, but couldn't show it because deep down...I think he was scared, too. His family was a mess. Doctor's visit after doctor's visit. CT scans. Spots on his lungs that they couldn't diagnose. They gave him an insane number of steroids to take - I had to wake up every 2 hours to make sure he was still breathing. How much sleep did I get?
He has a larger-than-life personality. A bundle of energy. He lost it all. He could barely move up and down stairs. Or get out of bed. I was emailing professors left and right, not knowing when I would actually be able to make it into class or get assignments completed. I'm so thankful they were understanding. It could've made life even worse.
Broncoscopy in early December. The day before my brother's wedding. A week before my finals for grad school were due. He insisted on going to Charlotte with me. As soon as he came out of recovery, I drove 8 hours to my brother's rehearsal dinner (missing the rehearsal) with him asleep in the passenger seat. Once we got there and I saw my family, I almost broke down. I realized I hadn't had anything but coffee all day. I shook for two hours straight from all the stress and caffeine. He fell asleep at my brother's wedding the next day. I'm lucky I had done well in my classes up until that point because my finals were a big heaping mess. I'm pretty sure the only reason I passed were that I had done really well through the semester and my professors felt sorry for me that I was going through everything.
The broncoscopy came back clean, but everything still wasn't right. The spots were still there. Threats of relapse.
Another CT scan in January. They said if his lungs weren't clean it'd most likely be automatic surgery to figure out what the problem is. This time the spots had reduced but the lymph node was still enlarged. The doctor gave us 3 choices. Surgery. Another biopsy. Wait it out 3 months and see what happens.
He wanted to wait it out. As much as this terrified me - what if it was cancer? We would have wasted 3 months of precious time we could've been working to treat it. But he - and his body - had been through so much the previous few months. I understood he was exhausted. We both were. I wound up with pneumonia not long after that.
This past year has truly pushed us "in sickness and in health." We've both had to be the ultimate caretakers for each other. I think it made us realize how lucky we each are to have each other.
That brings us to now. He had another CT scan on Wednesday. This time they injected dye in him so his lymph nodes will show more clearly. Here's to hoping and praying that tomorrow it'll finally be over. I don't want to see another lung specialist until we're both 95. Here's to hoping this weight finally gets lifted off my shoulders and this knot in my stomach finally unties.
Here's to hoping.
We find out tomorrow if it's finally over or if it's finally time for this lung surgery they've been threatening.
Hopefully it's over this time. No more medications, no more biopsies, no more CT scans. No more cancer talk.
The realization is...it could be over. Six months of this stress could be over.
Or...it could be another six-plus months of stress.
He got sick last November. I honestly didn't know if he was going to make it. 103 fever for over a week. Liver function kept deteriorating from the medicines we gave him to treat the fever. Nothing we or the doctors did worked. I was terrified, but couldn't show it because deep down...I think he was scared, too. His family was a mess. Doctor's visit after doctor's visit. CT scans. Spots on his lungs that they couldn't diagnose. They gave him an insane number of steroids to take - I had to wake up every 2 hours to make sure he was still breathing. How much sleep did I get?
He has a larger-than-life personality. A bundle of energy. He lost it all. He could barely move up and down stairs. Or get out of bed. I was emailing professors left and right, not knowing when I would actually be able to make it into class or get assignments completed. I'm so thankful they were understanding. It could've made life even worse.
Broncoscopy in early December. The day before my brother's wedding. A week before my finals for grad school were due. He insisted on going to Charlotte with me. As soon as he came out of recovery, I drove 8 hours to my brother's rehearsal dinner (missing the rehearsal) with him asleep in the passenger seat. Once we got there and I saw my family, I almost broke down. I realized I hadn't had anything but coffee all day. I shook for two hours straight from all the stress and caffeine. He fell asleep at my brother's wedding the next day. I'm lucky I had done well in my classes up until that point because my finals were a big heaping mess. I'm pretty sure the only reason I passed were that I had done really well through the semester and my professors felt sorry for me that I was going through everything.
The broncoscopy came back clean, but everything still wasn't right. The spots were still there. Threats of relapse.
Another CT scan in January. They said if his lungs weren't clean it'd most likely be automatic surgery to figure out what the problem is. This time the spots had reduced but the lymph node was still enlarged. The doctor gave us 3 choices. Surgery. Another biopsy. Wait it out 3 months and see what happens.
He wanted to wait it out. As much as this terrified me - what if it was cancer? We would have wasted 3 months of precious time we could've been working to treat it. But he - and his body - had been through so much the previous few months. I understood he was exhausted. We both were. I wound up with pneumonia not long after that.
This past year has truly pushed us "in sickness and in health." We've both had to be the ultimate caretakers for each other. I think it made us realize how lucky we each are to have each other.
That brings us to now. He had another CT scan on Wednesday. This time they injected dye in him so his lymph nodes will show more clearly. Here's to hoping and praying that tomorrow it'll finally be over. I don't want to see another lung specialist until we're both 95. Here's to hoping this weight finally gets lifted off my shoulders and this knot in my stomach finally unties.
Here's to hoping.
Friday, April 22, 2011
And the award goes to...
Best husband ever award...goes to Brad.
He had today off.
I went home for lunch to find spicy tuna and spicy salmon rolls waiting for me, fresh from Simply Asia.
I told him he was the best husband on earth.
I'm so easy to please :)
He had today off.
I went home for lunch to find spicy tuna and spicy salmon rolls waiting for me, fresh from Simply Asia.
I told him he was the best husband on earth.
I'm so easy to please :)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Thoughts on a Controversy
Killer's quest: Allow organ donation after execution
This is one of those situations that gnaw at me. I love them because they challenge my mind and I hate them because there's never a clear answer to be found. The controversy of it all. So many sides to take.
First, the side of the killer:
He committed a terrible act of violence. He wants to make things "right," as he says. Some might question if it can ever be perceived as "made right" but it's hard to fault someone who wants to save lives in exchange for his death. It's his body, but as a prisoner does he have rights to his body? He's got a point:
“Why go out and waste your organs when you have the potential to go out and save six to 12 lives?”
He's not asking to be saved from execution. He's asking to use his body to save someone else. It's not a new concept. Jodi Picoult wrote a book about this same matter. A death row inmate who wants to use his heart to save the sister of his victim's life. Now how hard would that be?
Second, the side of the state:
There's something that doesn't necessarily "feel" right about accepting organs from a convicted murderer. But - we make a lot of decisions based on feelings and maybe sometimes that's not the right way to look at things. The best point they made was:
I don’t think we want to be the kind of society that takes organs from prisoners,” said Dr. Paul R. Helft, director of the Charles Warren Fairbanks Center for Medical Ethics and Indiana University. "To do so would be to use unfree prisoners as a means to an end."
True. Very true. It could easily fall down a slippery slope with unscrupulous officials involved. However, to term it as "morally reprehensible;" well, now that I just don't accept.
I don't think he's trying to say that donating his organs will make everything right in the world. He said it would give him some peace, psychologically, but my hunch from reading the article is that he's not under an illusion that people would forgive him 100%.
Finally, the side of the potential recipients:
How many people would complain about taking a heart - any heart - if it means saving the life of a loved one? For every patient who would potentially turn the organ down, I'm guessing there's hundreds more who would snatch it in a heartbeat (no pun intended). There have been the occasional reports of someone finding some connection between their new organ and their donor but as far as I know, no official research has been done on the subject.
Another point that bothers me:
“It’s impossible to be sure that a person who is behind bars is making a decision they would make while walking down the street,” says Jeffrey Orlowski, executive director of the Association of Organ Procurement Organizations, the non-profit group that represents the nation’s 58 regional groups.
It's not impossible to be sure. I am an organ donor, it's plastered on my driver's license for all to see. I walk down the street every day (no, seriously, I walk to work every day!). If, heaven forbid, I were to wind up in jail one day - are they trying to say that I suddenly don't know what decision I'm making?
Granted, there might not be a lot of people in the prison system who had proclaimed themselves organ donors before they were sent to jail. But I would be willing to bet there are some.
Then, they go on to mention that if he were to die of natural causes, he would be much more likely to have his wishes carried out. Medically, that makes sense. But how is that more ethical? He's still a prisoner.
Either way, it's questionable whether or not the organs would be able to "survive" the lethal injection. I mean, when the point of the drugs are to stop your heart, how are you going to harvest it to save someone else? I'm no doctor, but that seems like a hard point to wrap my head around. However, if it is the drugs that would keep the donations from happening - why not say so? Wouldn't that virtually end the controversy?
In all likelihood, his organs won't be donated. It's good to open this sort of subject for discussion, though. It's controversies that make people squirm (myself included) that are the most intriguing to me and contribute to making changes in the world.
This is one of those situations that gnaw at me. I love them because they challenge my mind and I hate them because there's never a clear answer to be found. The controversy of it all. So many sides to take.
First, the side of the killer:
He committed a terrible act of violence. He wants to make things "right," as he says. Some might question if it can ever be perceived as "made right" but it's hard to fault someone who wants to save lives in exchange for his death. It's his body, but as a prisoner does he have rights to his body? He's got a point:
“Why go out and waste your organs when you have the potential to go out and save six to 12 lives?”
He's not asking to be saved from execution. He's asking to use his body to save someone else. It's not a new concept. Jodi Picoult wrote a book about this same matter. A death row inmate who wants to use his heart to save the sister of his victim's life. Now how hard would that be?
Second, the side of the state:
There's something that doesn't necessarily "feel" right about accepting organs from a convicted murderer. But - we make a lot of decisions based on feelings and maybe sometimes that's not the right way to look at things. The best point they made was:
I don’t think we want to be the kind of society that takes organs from prisoners,” said Dr. Paul R. Helft, director of the Charles Warren Fairbanks Center for Medical Ethics and Indiana University. "To do so would be to use unfree prisoners as a means to an end."
True. Very true. It could easily fall down a slippery slope with unscrupulous officials involved. However, to term it as "morally reprehensible;" well, now that I just don't accept.
I don't think he's trying to say that donating his organs will make everything right in the world. He said it would give him some peace, psychologically, but my hunch from reading the article is that he's not under an illusion that people would forgive him 100%.
Finally, the side of the potential recipients:
How many people would complain about taking a heart - any heart - if it means saving the life of a loved one? For every patient who would potentially turn the organ down, I'm guessing there's hundreds more who would snatch it in a heartbeat (no pun intended). There have been the occasional reports of someone finding some connection between their new organ and their donor but as far as I know, no official research has been done on the subject.
Another point that bothers me:
“It’s impossible to be sure that a person who is behind bars is making a decision they would make while walking down the street,” says Jeffrey Orlowski, executive director of the Association of Organ Procurement Organizations, the non-profit group that represents the nation’s 58 regional groups.
It's not impossible to be sure. I am an organ donor, it's plastered on my driver's license for all to see. I walk down the street every day (no, seriously, I walk to work every day!). If, heaven forbid, I were to wind up in jail one day - are they trying to say that I suddenly don't know what decision I'm making?
Granted, there might not be a lot of people in the prison system who had proclaimed themselves organ donors before they were sent to jail. But I would be willing to bet there are some.
Then, they go on to mention that if he were to die of natural causes, he would be much more likely to have his wishes carried out. Medically, that makes sense. But how is that more ethical? He's still a prisoner.
Either way, it's questionable whether or not the organs would be able to "survive" the lethal injection. I mean, when the point of the drugs are to stop your heart, how are you going to harvest it to save someone else? I'm no doctor, but that seems like a hard point to wrap my head around. However, if it is the drugs that would keep the donations from happening - why not say so? Wouldn't that virtually end the controversy?
In all likelihood, his organs won't be donated. It's good to open this sort of subject for discussion, though. It's controversies that make people squirm (myself included) that are the most intriguing to me and contribute to making changes in the world.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Uh-Oh
I spent yesterday evening hanging out with a new man in my life. His name is Ethan James and I'm pretty much in love. He's adorable, sweet...and turned 1 week old this morning at 4:34am.
I've *never* had baby fever before. Ever. I've *never* held a baby that small before. But oh my goodness, I did not want to leave that sweetness. I told his mother and father that I am up for babysitting ANY time!
I looked at Brad and just said, "I want one."
But....I know it's not a good time. I want to finish grad school. Three classes left. That's it. I want to get settled into a house - wherever it is we're going to settle ourselves. I don't want to buy a house and upgrade when we have kids. I want our house to be *the* house we raise our kids in.
Ahhhh. I want one.
In other news, my Momma CALLED me yesterday! I was quite excited since I wasn't expecting to hear from her until today or Friday at the earliest. Everything is going wonderfully - she was able to eat chicken broth, a popsicle and tea yesterday. The doctor said she might be able to eat regular food and go home on Friday, which is the earliest she could possibly leave the hospital with the surgery she had.
In other other news, Brad's grandmother has massive pneumonia. They told her if she hadn't gotten to the hospital Tuesday afternoon, she wouldn't have made it through the night. She's doing much better now, but it's scary to think how close she came.
So much to be thankful for lately.
I've *never* had baby fever before. Ever. I've *never* held a baby that small before. But oh my goodness, I did not want to leave that sweetness. I told his mother and father that I am up for babysitting ANY time!
I looked at Brad and just said, "I want one."
But....I know it's not a good time. I want to finish grad school. Three classes left. That's it. I want to get settled into a house - wherever it is we're going to settle ourselves. I don't want to buy a house and upgrade when we have kids. I want our house to be *the* house we raise our kids in.
Ahhhh. I want one.
In other news, my Momma CALLED me yesterday! I was quite excited since I wasn't expecting to hear from her until today or Friday at the earliest. Everything is going wonderfully - she was able to eat chicken broth, a popsicle and tea yesterday. The doctor said she might be able to eat regular food and go home on Friday, which is the earliest she could possibly leave the hospital with the surgery she had.
In other other news, Brad's grandmother has massive pneumonia. They told her if she hadn't gotten to the hospital Tuesday afternoon, she wouldn't have made it through the night. She's doing much better now, but it's scary to think how close she came.
So much to be thankful for lately.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
My mom's having major surgery today. Asking for prayers if you pray, thoughts if you don't.
Edit: They've now taken Brad's grandmother to the hospital. Brad's with her now, but I'm still waiting to hear from both my Dad to see how Momma's surgery went and Brad to see what's going on with his grandmother...
Edit: They've now taken Brad's grandmother to the hospital. Brad's with her now, but I'm still waiting to hear from both my Dad to see how Momma's surgery went and Brad to see what's going on with his grandmother...
Monday, April 4, 2011
Insanity.
My mom is having surgery tomorrow. Once she gets back on her feet, I wanted to have a Wendy's gift card waiting for her so she could go get herself a Frosty! Since I'm at work and not Wendy's, I went to their website to see if I could print off a Frosty's certificate or a gift card or something. I figured a $5 gift card would buy her about 4.75 frosty's. What welcomed me at the end....
Item Value Quantity Total
Wendy's Frosty Fa La La La La Card $5.00 1 $5.00
Shipping & Handling $9.50
Current Purchase Total: $14.50
Uhhhh, I don't THINK so.
Nice try, Wendy's. Pretty sure it doesn't cost $9.50 to send a GIFT CARD.
Forget ya'll. Just saying.
Item Value Quantity Total
Wendy's Frosty Fa La La La La Card $5.00 1 $5.00
Shipping & Handling $9.50
Current Purchase Total: $14.50
Uhhhh, I don't THINK so.
Nice try, Wendy's. Pretty sure it doesn't cost $9.50 to send a GIFT CARD.
Forget ya'll. Just saying.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Just Sayin. Thank God.
For every stoplight I didn't make
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the guys that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
'Cause it led me here to this.
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the guys that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
'Cause it led me here to this.
Looking at pictures from my phone makes me happy :)
Shelter/abandoned animals really do make the best pets. We had a pet we paid hundreds of dollars for once and while I loved her dearly - she just didn't appreciate her life the way the others have. They really do know when you've rescued them from a bad situation.
Chloe was abused before we got her. She was all skittish and terrified of people - men in particular. The slightest noise or movement would send her running in fear to the nearest dark corner.
A year later, she's come so far I can't even believe it. She warmed up to my parents within two hours of them being here. By the end of the day, she was curled up fast asleep with my mom. She recognizes Tabetha as soon as she walks in the door.
I look at her all curled up at night under blankets with Brad and I and just wonder if she ever thinks about her old life. How she spent the first year of her life huddled outside in an outdoor kennel during the blizzards. How she barely had any food and had never been to a vet. I see this look of content on her face that just makes me melt inside.
She's a completely different dog than she was a year ago. I saw this dog in her a year ago, but she didn't have enough confidence in herself to let anyone in.
It's harder with Roxy. She's been such a happy dog from the beginning. I doubt she's had any hardship in her life other than she was either abandoned or separated from her original family. I searched for months after we got her, sure that a family was out there looking for her. As attached as I was to her by that point, I knew if someone found my dogs...I would do anything to get them back. But I never found anything.
I didn't think we would see much difference in Roxy in the first year. She's always loved people. Our biggest hurdle with her was obedience and getting her to like other dogs again (but according to the kennel, she only gets mean with other dogs when we're around. When we're gone, she's fine with other dogs so maybe it's a protection thing). But I have seen a difference. She is absolutely the most goofy, playful animal I have ever met. I'll find her in the hallway by herself, barking and chasing herself (not her tail, just herself). I'll find her on the bed, turning somersaults by herself. She'll bark at Chloe then run away when she wants her to play. This dog never has a bad day. She's never sad. She's just a bundle of energy and a 50 pound dog who thinks she's a lap dog. Even when she does something wrong (like chew through the wall!!) it's impossible to stay mad at that face that's always "smiling".
We have no idea what kind of dogs they are. We can't buy those stickers that say, "I love my Labrador." But I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I'm a mutt lover for life. For less than $200 we got to bring home two of the most loving (fixed) animals and their first vet visit free.
Don't go to a shelter unless you're serious about getting a pet. I can't go in anymore because I just want to bring them all home with me. I can't imagine my life without these two anymore.
Chloe was abused before we got her. She was all skittish and terrified of people - men in particular. The slightest noise or movement would send her running in fear to the nearest dark corner.
A year later, she's come so far I can't even believe it. She warmed up to my parents within two hours of them being here. By the end of the day, she was curled up fast asleep with my mom. She recognizes Tabetha as soon as she walks in the door.
I look at her all curled up at night under blankets with Brad and I and just wonder if she ever thinks about her old life. How she spent the first year of her life huddled outside in an outdoor kennel during the blizzards. How she barely had any food and had never been to a vet. I see this look of content on her face that just makes me melt inside.
She looks like such a little kangaroo!
It's harder with Roxy. She's been such a happy dog from the beginning. I doubt she's had any hardship in her life other than she was either abandoned or separated from her original family. I searched for months after we got her, sure that a family was out there looking for her. As attached as I was to her by that point, I knew if someone found my dogs...I would do anything to get them back. But I never found anything.
We have no idea what kind of dogs they are. We can't buy those stickers that say, "I love my Labrador." But I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I'm a mutt lover for life. For less than $200 we got to bring home two of the most loving (fixed) animals and their first vet visit free.
Don't go to a shelter unless you're serious about getting a pet. I can't go in anymore because I just want to bring them all home with me. I can't imagine my life without these two anymore.
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