My last few weeks in a not-so-nutshell...

Well, the last couple of weeks have been quite the roller coaster. I’m very happy to say that I’m finally on the upswing after a few couple of days. This is going to be a long one, but I promise, there’s happy news at the end if you can last that long!



The Thursday before Easter started out pretty normal. I was excited because quarter end craziness was finally over so I had scheduled a massage for that evening at 5. Brad’s family goes to dinner at the local Amvets every Thursday night. When Brad is home, I usually go with him. When Brad is working, I never go. I mean, I never go to dinner with them. Nothing against them, but I guess I’m kind of a snob about eating out in this town. There are very few things on the menus that I couldn’t make better by making them myself (and healthier!). Like I said, I’ll go when Brad’s home but never when he’s working.


For whatever reason, I told his parents I’d go that night. I don’t know, maybe I thought that the massage would make me mellow enough to enjoy it, or maybe God just knew I was going to need to be there. But that Thursday night, as we were all sitting there eating dinner and dessert…Brad’s grandmother collapsed.


At first I thought she was just choking. She seemed to just be trying to cough. But then it was pretty clear that it was much more serious than that. She couldn’t have been in better hands – her son (a trained paramedic) and her son’s brother in law (also a trained paramedic) were working on her within seconds. As Tara (her granddaughter) called 911, I called Brad at work to tell him that he and Michael needed to get away as soon as possible. Because their job is so complicated, I knew it could take hours for them to have relief come in for them. An hour later, I was at the hospital waiting for Brad. The doctors kept telling us they thought it was just seizures, but I think we all knew it was going to come back as another stroke. She’d had 2 already and we all knew it was only a matter of time before another one came along.


I went home that night in case I had to go in to work the next day. Brad got home around 2am and it became pretty clear I wasn’t going to work that day. We were at the hospital bright and early the next morning for the neurologist.


I’ll spare you all of the details, but hearing the doctors say what we’d all been dreading – that she wasn’t going to make it this time – was devastating. We took her off life support and we all said our goodbyes. Father Paul did the last rites (which, by the way, as a non-Catholic, this is one ritual that I fully support. I’d never been present for the last rites before but it was absolutely beautiful. Who wouldn’t want to be prayed over by their family and closest friends as they’re passing through this world to the next? I can imagine it would be peaceful to be the one they’re being administered to and they definitely gave me some peace).


But that Helen, she’s a fighter. She hung on until Monday evening, surrounded by her family. I’ve never watched someone pass before, but watching her made it seem not scary at all. Just a breath and then she was gone.


I don’t think there’s any way you could ever say that someone died “well”. But I think God’s plan for her was pretty well thought through. She had two people (who aren’t always present at Thursday evening meals) able to work on her as soon as we realized something was wrong. There will never be “what if’s” in anyone’s mind whether something more could have been done. There couldn’t. We all said our goodbyes on Friday but she hung on until Monday. Her children were able to spend all that time saying goodbye and finally coming to a place where they told her it was okay to go, they’d be alright. She didn’t go too quickly but she didn’t linger forever. I think God knew that nobody wanted it to be over that quickly, but they didn’t want her to linger forever. The people who “could handle” her passing were present. The ones who didn’t particularly want to be there when she passed weren’t. It was just all God’s timing and it was as good as good can get in that situation.


In the midst of all of that…I was having interviews for jobs. I had 3 companies interested in me at that point – two of which had multiple positions they were interested in me for.


The next week, I turned in my FINAL PAPER FOR GRADUATE SCHOOL and Brad and I went to Charlotte so I could present a paper to a global public relations conference. I presented it on a Friday morning and then got to spend the rest of the weekend with my family and ended the weekend with an amazing sushi lunch with our good friend Beth.


The Monday we got back to MD, I went in to one of the companies for a third interview and on Tuesday was offered the job! It had been quite the ordeal. I originally applied for a Graphics & Marketing Communications Specialist position. After the phone interview I was told that I was a bit underqualified for that position…but that there was also a Marketing & Public Relations Assistant position open. I was overqualified for that one but it paid more than I currently made so I said I’d be open to it. They went back and forth for awhile, trying to decide which position they wanted me in and finally decided that because I worked full time while getting my master’s from Johns Hopkins (her daughter had been accepted and she felt the curriculum was really tough), that I would be able to handle the challenges. So now, instead of beginning as an Assistant, I will be going in as a Specialist, reporting to the Vice President of Marketing & Public Relations. Just my dream job. Nbd.


So that, in a nutshell is how I lost someone dear to me, finished my graduate degree, presented a paper at a conference, and got an incredible job opportunity in the span of 2 weeks.

I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content.
- Philippians 4:11

That might slightly be a lie. I'm certainly not perfect and am not always content. But based on recent events in our life, I feel like I'm coping better with things than before.

There's so much going on that I can't talk about yet that involves our future. Personally, I'm surprised I'm coping as well as I am. It helps to have family that understands, friends to talk to and a husband who just wants me to be happy and to help build a happy life together.

I'm finding that taking a deep breath helps.

That stopping and smelling the roses truly does help.

That it's a lot easier to talk about putting everything in God's hands than actually doing it.

That as much of a plan as I think I have for my life, it's not always going to go my way. And I need to adapt to that.

Today I'm thankful for a beautiful day, for my family and friends who love and support us and that my problems are so miniscule for most people. That my husband is incredible at what he does and that he truly loves coming home to our little family.

2012 is not my year yet.

I'm trying to be grateful I have a job. Really, I am. I know there are a lot of people out there who would give anything to have a stable, steady job.

But, I'm just saying, it is not in ANYONE'S best interest to deprive me of this much sleep.

Saturday I went "shopping" with Brad for a few hours. Well, he shopped. I was on my blackberry the whole time, emailing and calling people about work.

I got home from shopping and went in to work from 6-9pm.

Barely managed to stay awake until midnight, watched the ball drop, and headed for bed.

Got a call at 12:30am Sunday, had to go in to work until 2:30am.

Got another call from work at 3:30, had to go in to work until 5:00am.

Got another call at 7:00am, was able to work from home from 7-12:30pm. (Thank goodness - in between phone calls, emails, and IM conversations, I was able to do some housework that desperately needed done)

Then had to go into work from 12:30-4:00. Realized I hadn't had lunch, so ran home to eat a quick bite.

Back to work at 4:30pm until 6.

Fell asleep on the couch for a glorious 20 minutes. Woke up to find 4 voicemails from work waiting on my phone.

I had a meltdown. I require 8 hours of sleep. Any less than that and you're playing with fire here. My temper is more likely to flare, my cheerfulness level goes way down and just overall functionality does not compute. If you add it up there, that's approximately 2 hours of sleep (knowing that I did not fall immediately asleep after getting home because my stress level was WAYYYY up) in about 36 hours.

Emails and IM's until 10, crashed into bed. Two more phone calls before finally, at 10:30, the last phone call came through.

Today? Not a holiday for us. At work like a normal day.

Insane.

.......

In totally unrelated news, we backed out of the house we were under contract with today. I'm actually incredibly excited about this. More later.

I have sincerely neglected my blog. I don't really have time to be updating now, but since I do love a good procrastination, here goes.

I'm currently taking the hardest course I have ever taken in my life. And I have a 90 in it. I'm under no illusions that my final grade will be that high, but at least I can say that I made it to mid-semester with an A in this class with one of the most difficult professors in this program.

Work has been picking up steadily - I asked for more projects and I got them. I'm busier and enjoy it more, but I'm also very certain this isn't where I want to be long term.

Brad and I hit the 2 year mark a few weeks ago. Some days it seems like it should be WAY longer than 2 years and some days it seems like we've just been married a month or two. Either way, I'm very happy and grateful to report that I still love him just as much as I did the day I married him. Maybe even a smidge more :) We haven't had it easy - I'm forever stressed between school and work...and every other week I see him for maybe half an hour per day. But maybe it's true what they say - absence makes the heart grow fonder. We don't waste our time together fighting or bickering. We just enjoy being with each other.

In less than a year I'm hoping to be able to knock another bucket list item off - reading the entire Bible. I've been doing pretty good with it, considering it takes me about half an hour to 45 minutes per day on top of all my school stuff. But even if it takes me just over a year (it's a year devotional), at least I'm getting through it.

I've started really running again. I've said that before, but I'm actually staying with it and making an effort to be in shape without getting hurt. I haven't lost any weight - I'm still 125, but I've dropped down to a size 0 in AE jeans - that's 2 sizes smaller than I was at the beginning of the summer. I guess muscle really does weigh more than fat! I'm running 4-6 miles regularly now. I'm running a 7 mile trail race on Saturday (hoping to just survive, the 5 mile version killed me last year!), a 5 mile race on Thanksgiving (hoping to beat my time from last year, then stuff my face with turkey!) and a 15k in DC in December with some friends (sponsored by Ghiradelli with all the hot chocolate and chocolate fondue I can consumer afterwards. Yes pleasee!!). After all that, I'm going to start training to run 5k's fast again. I feel like I might could get into the prime of my life - I want to be under 20 minutes again and maybe even 19 minutes. Lofty goals, but this is the longest I've stuck with solid training since college. I really think I can do it!

I've also started doing yoga fairly obsessively. I usually run in the mornings and then do yoga after a quick jog with the dogs after work (I've learned that the dogs aren't conducive to really training - stopping for pee and poop breaks really cramps my style!). I've never done it this regularly and I'm becoming a believer.

Still trying to figure out what to be for Halloween this weekend. For the first time in my life, I am TRIPLE BOOKED for Halloween parties! Maybe there is a social life to be found here after all...

Just read it.

My cousin posted this on Facebook this morning. It's incredible. In so many ways, it's incredible.

And the Journey Finally Began...

Oh, the thinking this brain does.

It’s so cliché, but I want to make a difference.

Brad and I had a date night last night and what started out as a lighthearted evening wound up with some serious topics.

A guy I went to high school with is basically in need of a miracle at this point. He was serving overseas, was injured and came home. Over the weekend he had a seizure and his wife couldn’t wake him up. The family has said they’re giving him back to God now.

I feel guilty for even feeling bad. He and I weren’t necessarily friends. I mean, obviously I knew who he was – the school was small enough we all pretty much knew each other. I didn’t even really know his brother, who was a year younger than me. I know his sister-in-law, who was good friends with my brother, but why is this upsetting me so?

Maybe it’s because he’s so young. Maybe because it seems so unfair. Maybe it’s because he was serving our country so I can continue to talk freely and worship freely. Maybe I hurt because so many of my friends are hurting right now.

As one of my friends on Facebook said yesterday, “If prayer volume alone is what dictated recovery, this guy would be healthy enough to be running a marathon.”

He’s lucky enough to have all these people care about him and pray for him and his family.

Not everyone does.

Brad works at essential a juvenile detention center. My first thoughts were, “hoodlums.” I feel so terrible thinking that now.

The majority of those kids have never had anything – or anyone who even cares about them. Family days are spent alone, with no one willing to make the trek to visit them. Or, if they do come visit, they bring contraband (ie, drugs) to try and smuggle in to them. If the only family you have is trying to help you get into MORE trouble – really, what kind of shot do you have in the world?

I know it’s impossible to save the world. But I wish I could figure out a way to save just one or two people. Let them know they’re cared about somehow.

Brad has gotten close to a kid occasionally. One in particular – before he was released, Brad told him repeatedly, if he needs anything, pick up the phone and call Brad. I worry about this kid all the time. He had incredible potential. His biggest problem was probably hyperactivity. If you kept him busy, he was fine. He could play the piano by ear. He was incredibly smart and quick on his feet. There had just never been anyone who recognized it before – they always saw his inability to focus and assumed he was a slacking troublemaker. Brad tried to rope in his focus into things he liked to do – and he flourished! But once these kids are released and they go back to their individual situations…it’s back to the same ‘ol, same ‘ol.

It makes my job seem so worthless. I’m not making the world a better place by doing budgets, invoicing, proofreading and overseeing tax projects.

I just want to make a difference one day.

He's just saying.

It’s the little verses that get me.

It’s hard for me to understand people who say they don’t think God speaks to them. He does. We all go through times that are rough; sometimes for reasons we can’t even understand. For the past week, I’ve been praying for Him to lift my spirits and make my soul happy again. This morning, the verse beginning my devotion:

He restores my soul. Psalm 23:3

He does. He always reminds me along the way who’s really in charge here.

I try to pray each night, in bed, as I go to sleep. Sometimes I fall asleep while I’m praying. I used to feel guilty about it. Someone told me I didn’t take my prayer life seriously enough if I fell asleep while I was talking to God. I disagree.

Who better to fall asleep talking to? Don’t we remember those nights with our best friends, talking and giggling all night until we finally fell asleep? Do you never talk to your spouse in bed, late into the night?

I try to keep Him on my mind all day. But at night is when I feel like my soul is quiet. I can lay out everything that’s bothering me, all my struggles and worries. He restores my soul and I fall into a peaceful sleep. If I can’t sleep, I talk to him until I feel His peace wash over me.

So no, I don’t feel guilty if I fall asleep while praying. I don’t think there’s one “right” way to pray. I think this is how I best talk with God and you know what? I think He agrees.

Thinking Positively.

A couple of wonderful friends were inquiring how things were going today so here goes.

We find out tomorrow if it's finally over or if it's finally time for this lung surgery they've been threatening.

Hopefully it's over this time. No more medications, no more biopsies, no more CT scans. No more cancer talk.

The realization is...it could be over. Six months of this stress could be over.

Or...it could be another six-plus months of stress.

He got sick last November. I honestly didn't know if he was going to make it. 103 fever for over a week. Liver function kept deteriorating from the medicines we gave him to treat the fever. Nothing we or the doctors did worked. I was terrified, but couldn't show it because deep down...I think he was scared, too. His family was a mess. Doctor's visit after doctor's visit. CT scans. Spots on his lungs that they couldn't diagnose. They gave him an insane number of steroids to take - I had to wake up every 2 hours to make sure he was still breathing. How much sleep did I get?

He has a larger-than-life personality. A bundle of energy. He lost it all. He could barely move up and down stairs. Or get out of bed. I was emailing professors left and right, not knowing when I would actually be able to make it into class or get assignments completed. I'm so thankful they were understanding. It could've made life even worse.

Broncoscopy in early December. The day before my brother's wedding. A week before my finals for grad school were due. He insisted on going to Charlotte with me. As soon as he came out of recovery, I drove 8 hours to my brother's rehearsal dinner (missing the rehearsal) with him asleep in the passenger seat. Once we got there and I saw my family, I almost broke down. I realized I hadn't had anything but coffee all day. I shook for two hours straight from all the stress and caffeine. He fell asleep at my brother's wedding the next day. I'm lucky I had done well in my classes up until that point because my finals were a big heaping mess. I'm pretty sure the only reason I passed were that I had done really well through the semester and my professors felt sorry for me that I was going through everything.

The broncoscopy came back clean, but everything still wasn't right. The spots were still there. Threats of relapse.

Another CT scan in January. They said if his lungs weren't clean it'd most likely be automatic surgery to figure out what the problem is. This time the spots had reduced but the lymph node was still enlarged. The doctor gave us 3 choices. Surgery. Another biopsy. Wait it out 3 months and see what happens.

He wanted to wait it out. As much as this terrified me - what if it was cancer? We would have wasted 3 months of precious time we could've been working to treat it. But he - and his body - had been through so much the previous few months. I understood he was exhausted. We both were. I wound up with pneumonia not long after that.

This past year has truly pushed us "in sickness and in health." We've both had to be the ultimate caretakers for each other. I think it made us realize how lucky we each are to have each other.

That brings us to now. He had another CT scan on Wednesday. This time they injected dye in him so his lymph nodes will show more clearly. Here's to hoping and praying that tomorrow it'll finally be over. I don't want to see another lung specialist until we're both 95. Here's to hoping this weight finally gets lifted off my shoulders and this knot in my stomach finally unties.

Here's to hoping.

And the award goes to...

Best husband ever award...goes to Brad.

He had today off.

I went home for lunch to find spicy tuna and spicy salmon rolls waiting for me, fresh from Simply Asia.

I told him he was the best husband on earth.

I'm so easy to please :)

Uh-Oh

I spent yesterday evening hanging out with a new man in my life. His name is Ethan James and I'm pretty much in love. He's adorable, sweet...and turned 1 week old this morning at 4:34am.

I've *never* had baby fever before. Ever. I've *never* held a baby that small before. But oh my goodness, I did not want to leave that sweetness. I told his mother and father that I am up for babysitting ANY time!

I looked at Brad and just said, "I want one."

But....I know it's not a good time. I want to finish grad school. Three classes left. That's it. I want to get settled into a house - wherever it is we're going to settle ourselves. I don't want to buy a house and upgrade when we have kids. I want our house to be *the* house we raise our kids in.

Ahhhh. I want one.

In other news, my Momma CALLED me yesterday! I was quite excited since I wasn't expecting to hear from her until today or Friday at the earliest. Everything is going wonderfully - she was able to eat chicken broth, a popsicle and tea yesterday. The doctor said she might be able to eat regular food and go home on Friday, which is the earliest she could possibly leave the hospital with the surgery she had.

In other other news, Brad's grandmother has massive pneumonia. They told her if she hadn't gotten to the hospital Tuesday afternoon, she wouldn't have made it through the night. She's doing much better now, but it's scary to think how close she came.

So much to be thankful for lately.

Just Sayin. Thank God.

For every stoplight I didn't make



Every chance I did or I didn't take


All the nights I went too far


All the guys that broke my heart


All the doors that I had to close


All the things I knew but I didn't know


Thank God for all I missed


'Cause it led me here to this.

Looking at pictures from my phone makes me happy :)

Shelter/abandoned animals really do make the best pets. We had a pet we paid hundreds of dollars for once and while I loved her dearly - she just didn't appreciate her life the way the others have. They really do know when you've rescued them from a bad situation.

Chloe was abused before we got her. She was all skittish and terrified of people - men in particular. The slightest noise or movement would send her running in fear to the nearest dark corner.

A year later, she's come so far I can't even believe it. She warmed up to my parents within two hours of them being here. By the end of the day, she was curled up fast asleep with my mom. She recognizes Tabetha as soon as she walks in the door.

I look at her all curled up at night under blankets with Brad and I and just wonder if she ever thinks about her old life. How she spent the first year of her life huddled outside in an outdoor kennel during the blizzards. How she barely had any food and had never been to a vet. I see this look of content on her face that just makes me melt inside.

She looks like such a little kangaroo!

She's a completely different dog than she was a year ago. I saw this dog in her a year ago, but she didn't have enough confidence in herself to let anyone in.

It's harder with Roxy. She's been such a happy dog from the beginning. I doubt she's had any hardship in her life other than she was either abandoned or separated from her original family. I searched for months after we got her, sure that a family was out there looking for her. As attached as I was to her by that point, I knew if someone found my dogs...I would do anything to get them back. But I never found anything.

I didn't think we would see much difference in Roxy in the first year. She's always loved people. Our biggest hurdle with her was obedience and getting her to like other dogs again (but according to the kennel, she only gets mean with other dogs when we're around. When we're gone, she's fine with other dogs so maybe it's a protection thing). But I have seen a difference. She is absolutely the most goofy, playful animal I have ever met. I'll find her in the hallway by herself, barking and chasing herself (not her tail, just herself). I'll find her on the bed, turning somersaults by herself. She'll bark at Chloe then run away when she wants her to play. This dog never has a bad day. She's never sad. She's just a bundle of energy and a 50 pound dog who thinks she's a lap dog. Even when she does something wrong (like chew through the wall!!) it's impossible to stay mad at that face that's always "smiling".

We have no idea what kind of dogs they are. We can't buy those stickers that say, "I love my Labrador." But I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I'm a mutt lover for life. For less than $200 we got to bring home two of the most loving (fixed) animals and their first vet visit free.

Don't go to a shelter unless you're serious about getting a pet. I can't go in anymore because I just want to bring them all home with me. I can't imagine my life without these two anymore.

Whole lot of randomness.

Where am I going with my life?

Some days I work so hard to figure that out, other days I feel like my life will forever be an open book with constantly flipping chapters.

Is that so bad? To flip chapters constantly, that is. I've always been one to be bored easily. That's why I wound up with Brad. He was the first guy I met who could keep me on my toes. He's always ready to try something new, go somewhere different. He didn't treat me like a queen. He treated me as his equal.

I didn't want to move to Maryland. I still don't want to stay here forever. But where to next? Do we head back to Charlotte? Maybe. Do we head to Florida? It's a possibility. So many people say that when you get married, you're "settling down." I don't feel settled down. Then there's other people who say when you get married you give up a sense of spontenaity, your ability to just up and move whenever and wherever. I disagree. We're considering that move. We're seriously considering moving 17 hours away. Just because we liked it there on vacation.

Is that really so crazy? We're young, as long as we find jobs we have nothing to hold us back from it. We don't have a mortgage, we won't have to sell a house. We don't have a kid or plans to have one soon.

Everyone talks about Florida as a place to go for retirement. Why wait? If it's paradise, then why wait until you're old to enjoy it? If I think our quality of life will be happier there, why not?

What if we don't like it? Okay. We move. Worst case scenario.

I am 3 classes away from finishing my master's. I found my dream job in Charlotte. It's definitely a long shot, but then again...so was Johns Hopkins as a graduate school. Look at me now. If all keeps going well, next May I will walk away with a master's degree from a graduate program ranked #32  in the country. If you'd told me that 2 years ago, I would've never believed you. I'm not *that girl*.

Shoot high, reach for the moon. Who cares if I fail? I'm not afraid of failing anymore. I have my husband, my family and friends to catch me if I fall. It's not me against the world anymore. I'm in a secure place in my life, even if I feel like it's a constant flipping of the pages.

Failure is life. Life is not perfect. I'm not perfect. I fight with my husband. But I love my husband. My friends annoy me. But I still love my friends. My family frustrates me or makes me sad sometimes. But I do the same to them. I'm not concerned with putting on this facade of perfection. It's not me. That kind of pressure put me in a bad place in my life years ago. A place I'm not interested in returning to.

Why do I let other people's lives bother me so much? When I see someone doing something stupid, I want to shake them and ask them, "WHAT PART OF THIS DID YOU THINK WAS A GOOD IDEA???" A few years ago, I would've called them out. Now? They're big kids. If they want to screw their lives up...it's really none of my concern. As much as I wish I could make them listen to reason...I can't. You can't tell someone things they don't want to hear. It just doesn't work.

I'm not afraid of failure. I'm not even afraid of disappointing anymore. I think I'm afraid of settling for less than I should.

I'm thankful for my husband, who encourages me to pursue my passions as opposed to a salary. I'm thankful that he recognizes talents I have, even when I don't see them. He sees the joy I have when I do certain things "just for fun" and he encourages me to pursue them. I got a top of the line digital camera for Christmas this year and a telephoto zoom lens for my birthday. Just because he thinks I take good pictures and knows how much I love taking them and then putting them into graphic design creations. I had no idea a camera was coming. It had never even been discussed. He saw my passion that I didn't even see and wanted to encourage it. He wants me to look into selling my pictures at local festivals. He wants me to spend more time doing these things that I love. It's something he didn't have to encourage.

My life is good. My husband loves me. My family loves me. My friends love me. I'm doing well in school and the end is in sight. I have a good job that will give me great experience in whatever my next phase in life will be. I have the two most adorable, loving pups on the face of the planet.

I have no idea how life could be much better.

Unless we were living in Florida and I was laying by the pool with a glass of wine in my hand.

I'm just saying.

I had a rough day.

When I moved up here, I took a part time job as a 911 dispatcher. I like the job much more than I thought I would/am willing to admit - you can't deny that every day is something new. But more importantly, it pays really well for a part time job (better than my old full time job!) and I can sign up only for the hours I want to work. If I want off a week, no biggie, I just don't sign up for that week. That flexibility is nice, especially for when I start school.

It's hard though. Really hard.

Today a call came in almost at the end of my shift that will stay with me forever.

It sounds harsh, but it wasn't the first time I'd taken a call for a person who had died. But this call was completely different.

For the first time, the woman on the other end of the phone started off the call with hope. She called, hoping for help which I did my best to deliver. This time, though, there was a defining moment where she realized her 40 year old husband was not going to wake up and I could hear her world crash down around her in a million pieces. He had laid down for a nap and never woke up. You can clearly tell, in the call, the exact second that she realized there was no hope. It affected me in a way I can't describe.

You can say, "oh yeah, that's terrible". You can say, "oh that poor woman". You can even say, "I know how she feels." But have you ever been *right there* with a person...when they have their personal epiphany that their beloved is gone forever? My thoughts haven't left this woman all night. I made it through the rest of my shift and to my car before I broke down. I had such an adrenaline rush from giving the CPR instructions that it took awhile for me to really let my emotions break free.

They tell us in training not to let the calls get to us - not to let them get personal. I knew I'd have a problem with this but so far it hadn't been too bad. It's never a good thing when a person dies but when the person has lived a long life a part of me tends to feel relief for them.

But when they're young and it clearly takes their spouse by surprise - when you hear that absolute moment that they break down and begin the grieving process - it's an unreal feeling. I've lost family and friends before. I know the pain you feel when you initially realize someone is gone. I also know that there's that numbness you feel. That numbness you *feel* - I can *hear*. It's absolutely heartbreaking and I can't even find a way to describe it. All I can say is that it makes me want to scream to every person I know not to take a single solitary day for granted. This man was 40 years old and never woke up. His widow's life came crashing down in a split second. Her life will never be the same and the next few weeks/months are going to be a total and complete hell. I have no idea who these people are but I've sobbed more for them since my shift ended than I've cried in a very long time. I'm grieving for them because I can't even imagine the shock and despair that she must feel right now.

This one hit me and hit me hard. I pray that no one who reads this will ever have to hear that moment where someone hits their rock bottom - but at the same time, it takes me to that Tim McGraw song - Live Like You Were Dying. No day is guaranteed. Not yours, not your family, not your friends and not your enemies. Don't live with regrets. Don't live "meaning" to do things. Just do them. Tell the ones you love that you love them every chance you get. Be unselfish.

If you ever  hear someone's heart break, you'll understand how I feel right now. It's one thing for your own heart to break. It's another thing entirely to hear someone else's heart break. It's even a different thing if you have a vested interest. I am a total and complete stranger. I almost feel like I was intruding on her personal moment. I share in her pain now. Obviously I can't feel half of the heartache that she feels right now but  I bear a lot of grief alongside with her. I wasn't able to help her. They tell me there was nothing I could have done - that he was probably already gone before she dialed the numbers. But just this once, I wanted so badly to help her. To prove them all wrong. That love can conquer all. But I'm not God.

This job may not be how I want to spend the rest of my career - but it's teaching me things that no 9-5 job could ever possibly come close. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. It can be ripped away in a split second.

Emotionally exhausted

Lots of updates!

Whew, time gets away from you sometimes.


Christmas was strange this year - it was weird having Brad there with me on Christmas morning but it was still nice. He thoroughly enjoyed the benefits of having "two" Christmases :). It was exhausting with all the traveling so I'm glad next year we'll have Christmas with my family a week or two early. Two days in a row + 7 hours traveling both ways = cranky, sleepy me!


His aunt and uncle got us a membership to use a local university's recreational facilities for 6 months which I am extremely excited about. We activated it on Tuesday and I went up there yesterday to do cardio and weightlifting. It's different from a gym in that there's not rows and rows of cardio equipment but at least it's not very crowded and I also have access to the pool, sauna, indoor track and indoor tennis courts. I think today I'm going up to do laps in the pool. I'm planning on going to Richmond in March to run a 10k with my bff, Kristi - she's been trying to get me to run it for years so now that I'm this close to her I'm going to take advantage of it :)  I'm guessing it's similar to Cooper River which is always fun. It's one of those races you don't even really have to train for because you're not going for time - the race itself is so huge you're just taking in all the sights around you. 


My first birthday as a married woman was fantastic. I heard from people I hadn't heard from in years, wishing me a happy birthday. That morning I got up and went skiing by myself - it was PERFECT conditions. Sunny, warm but not *too warm*, no snow blowing and very few people on the slopes. I literally would ski down the mountain and ski straight back onto the lift. I went inside and had a cup of hot chocolate and looked out, enjoying the day. Brad came back from the co-worker's house he's renovating in the early afternoon and we finished taking all the Christmas stuff down (yes, I know, we're terrible haha). I had assumed we would go to Carrabba's for my birthday - it's my favorite restaurant and his mom had given me a gift card for there for Christmas. But he said no, he wanted to take me somewhere special - that the gift card will be used later but it was a gift for me and shouldn't be used on my birthday. So I got dressed while he was in the shower - khaki's, a nice sweater and heels. He comes out of the shower, kind of looks at me, and goes, "ummm, you might want to get more dressed up than that." I almost fainted. This coming from the man who acts like it's torture to put on anything remotely "nice". I get dressed in 'appropriate' attire and we head out to Frederick. We pull up to a restaurant I've only ever heard of, The Dutch's Daughter. It. Was. Phenomenal. I ordered a glass of wine, Brad ordered a Gentleman Jack & Coke. He ordered an appetizer of scallops wrapped in bacon (delicious!). I ordered a main course of blackened salmon (soooo sweet and HUGE portion) and added a crab cake (they weren't kidding, it actually was all crab!) and it came with green beans (it was meant to be) and twice baked potatoes (yummmy!). He got the filet mignon which was like eating bread it was so tender. It was just a fantastic meal. We were seated by one of the fireplaces and the place itself was so elegant. Listening to the conversations around us was quite entertaining since they were all big businessmen from DC who had come in on a Tuesday night to eat there. But all in all, it was an absolutely wonderful birthday.


I don't really do resolutions - but last night Brad and I were watching a special about a man who had himself dropped into the Yukon rainforest to see if he could survive by himself for 3 months. I wouldn't say there was anything *miraculous* about his documentary...but it did flip a switch inside me somewhere. Watching this man try to survive on his own with no other human contact was heartbreaking. Even though he woke up each morning with the most beautiful scenery, you could see his inner turmoil from missing his loved ones. So this year I'm going to try to appreciate everything. I'm going to appreciate that I have a husband, even when he picks on me, because I know he loves me. I'm going to make more of an effort to maintain my close friendships because I truly enjoy them and don't want them to "fall away" because of distance. I'm going to try and find the beauty in each day and thank God that I have another day. "Hippie-ish" or not, I'm going to try.


This was a pretty random update but I'll try to do better from now on. I'm just enjoying this whole married lifestyle, that's all :)

Just some ramblings.

I've really meant to update more - time gets away from me, I guess! We finally got wireless internet on Friday so that will help. I don't have to fight Brad for computer time anymore :)

So I finally got over the swine flu (yes, apparently it was the real H1N1. I'm kind of glad I didn't know that when I was actually sick though). Then I came down with a nasty little cold. Maybe I'm allergic to marriage?

I played in church last Sunday for the first time and it went really well. This week I played again but was a little more nervous - I snuck down to Charlotte on Tuesday (I was homesick :P) and didn't come back until Friday so I hadn't got much practice time. I really love this church though. I grew up in a small town, in a small church. I'd say most Sundays we had between 80-100 people there. Then when I moved to Charlotte I started going to a larger church with 4 services. The church I'm playing for now has about 30-40 people there on a good day. I never thought I would be so happy at such a small church. I understand the benefits from a larger church - more people to befriend, more opportunities. But in all of my time visiting and attending churches, I have never felt more welcomed than I do at this little tiny country church. As soon as I walk in there, I feel like I'm part of their family. After the service, they line up to thank me for playing and to tell me what a wonderful job I did (even if I totally screw up haha). The pastor is nearly 80 years old and can be a little hard to follow sometimes but his points really hit home. Today he talked about a meeting he once had with a church committee. The committee kept talking about how they needed to "grow the church". He pondered it for a few minutes and then asked them if they were talking about numbers - because he felt like the church was growing spiritually every week. That spoke to me. It's not about the numbers. Yes, part of Christianity is to draw more people to your faith - but God doesn't care how many people go to your church. He doesn't even care how much offering is collected each week or what songs you sing. He cares that the church grows together spiritually. Whether that be 10 people or 10,000, it's still the basic point of the church. I admit, when I was originally told about this church, and how small it was...I had "snobby" thoughts towards it. Only thirty people????  But now I understand it's not about the numbers. It's about the common faith and wanting to worship together as a church family - and I truly feel like I am part of a family at this church. And to me, that's so much more important than saying "I attend X mega-church".

Even when it rains, it sunshines.

I don't think it's any secret that I wasn't overly thrilled about leaving Charlotte and moving to Maryland. I trust in Brad, though, and understand that he wants to provide for his wife. I respect that and I understand that in the long run, this move will probably be a good thing for both of us. It didn't make it any easier to leave though - the last night before we left, we were hanging out with some friends and when my friend Beth had to leave, I just lost it. I started sobbing and couldn't hold it back anymore. I didn't want to leave. Brad comforted me the best he could and promised we'd come back to North Carolina as soon as we could. And then we left.

Since then, so many blessings have happened.

Saturday morning we went to Wal Mart to do our initial "big" shopping spree to get food for the house. We were coming up one aisle and about to turn down another when an elderly woman appeared at the end of the aisle, visibly upset. She couldn't find the noodles and was getting frustrated. So Brad starts talking to her and goes with her to help her find the noodles she wanted. Another woman beside us in the aisle looked at me and says, "what a nice young man". Any frustrations I had had with him while shopping disappeared when I remembered again how selfless and kindhearted my husband is. He has this tough exterior but when someone needs help, he's the first one to step in and do anything he can.

Saturday afternoon I was over at his aunt's house, showing off our wedding pictures. I mentioned how I was looking for churches to try out and they gave me some churches to try. His aunt told me I was welcome to visit her church anytime but she wasn't going that particular Sunday.

Sunday morning I tried a Methodist church in town. It was fairly comfortable since it reminded me of my hometown church. It seems trivial, but a church gets huge points when they sing the same Doxology and say the same Lord's Prayer that I grew up singing and saying. The sermon wasn't particularly impressive to me (I'm also really spoiled - my parents' pastor in Denver is phenomenal. I truly think all pastors should be kindergarden teachers before going to seminary haha) but I thought I would try it again considering the pastor was on a trip with the youth that Sunday. And I reported these things to his aunt, Jill.

Yesterday I got a call from Jill. Her mother had come to visit and had mentioned that their pianist couldn't handle college, a job and accompanying the services and had to leave the church. She asked Jill if she knew anyone who played the piano. Jill has a very old piano that I've played on before (simple stuff that I knew from heart, like the Entertainer) and said she'd call me. Within an hour, she had picked me up, I had played before a lady from the church and suddenly I'm playing in church this Sunday. It might not turn into an every week commitment, but it might. The extra income will be a huge blessing. I won't start my part time job until January - which I'm happy about, so I have the holidays to be flexible - but that's still over a month with only Brad's income to live on. It will be a tight holiday season for us but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

All in all, I'm really enjoying playing the role of a "housewife". I love keeping the house up and cooking dinner for Brad when he gets home from work. I'm still adjusting to not really having any friends yet, but hopefully soon. I'm REALLY looking forward to the first big snow so I can finally try out my new skiis with our season passes!!!