Maybe it's because my little one has hit the big milestone of one year.
Maybe it's because my brother and sister-in-law are expecting another baby.
Maybe it's just because sometimes I get sentimental.
But lately, I've been thinking so much about the little peanut that I lost.
And I'm at peace with it all now.
I lost you because God had a plan. I know, I know - how cliche. But if I had you then I wouldn't have Sadie. And because I lost you, I treasure her so much more.
It's hard to put into words, but I'll try.
You know how they say you don't know what you have until it's gone? Imagine that. Times a million.
Not a day goes by that I don't thank God over and over again for giving me Sadie. When she's crying all night. When she's clearly defiant. Because I know how quickly they can be taken away.
I'm not saying that parents who have never experienced loss can't be thankful for their children. But I honestly don't see how you can possibly understand the level of thankfulness that you can have unless you have lost one. To see all of your dreams taken away...being completely powerless to save your child...it's a feeling that is beyond just tough to swallow. It rips your soul into pieces.
I hold Sadie a little tighter when she's sick. I have more patience when she's difficult.
So for that, I am thankful (well, as thankful as you can be) for my miscarriage.
Because without it, I wouldn't be even half of the mother that I am now.
