And the world starts spinning

I'm just saying.

I'm getting married.

I'm buying a new car.

I'm getting married.

I'm going back to school.

I'm getting married.

I'm moving to a new state where I know no one except my future husband and his family.

I'm allowed to start freaking out now, right?

I can't believe how much time has flown since last November when he proposed. Now it's next week. NEXT week! For the rest of my life! My heart started racing on Sunday afternoon and hasn't quit since. I didn't think I would be one to get nervous but clearly that's not the case.

I've given my official notice at work and sent out an email to all my vendors today letting them know what was going on. It was really weird to push "send" on that email, telling them that November 6 would be my last day. I'm going to miss it here but I'm not going to miss the politics of corporate America. I wasn't cut out to be a secretary, let's just be honest with ourselves.

The LSAT was Saturday. I thought it was easy which clearly means I did miserable on it. It was an interesting experience, to say the least. I figured I would be the oldest one in there but there were quite a few older people taking it. Side rant - I have nothing against "non-traditional" students. I do however, have a problem with "non-traditional" students who think that because they are older that they know everything. Lady, when the instructions say don't wear a hat or bring a book to read, don't do it. When the administrator is finished reading the instructions and getting ready to hand out the tests, it's NOT a good time to raise your hand and demand to use the restroom. C'mon. We're in there for 5 hours as it is, let's get this show on the road! Anyways. I wasn't the least bit nervous and I'm hoping that helped my cause. The LSAT isn't going to make or break my life. If I don't do well on it, I have graduate school as the backup. I find out my score on the 19th, the same day we get back from the honeymoon. Welcome home!

'Ol Holly Honda will be moving on soon.

She's seen me through a lot of days, but it's time to move on. As my first "negotiator" experience, I've had a blast. I've wound up looking at two SUV's that were originally out of my price range but since I got two dealerships pitted against each other, it's working dramatically in my favor. I'm looking at a Highlander or a 4Runner right now. One dealership has dropped $10,000 off the MRSP of both, making them more affordable than I ever thought possible. I'm going up to test drive the 4Runner this weekend and let them evaluate my trade in. If everything goes well, we might just have a deal!

The wedding. I know everything will be wonderful. I know the details don't really matter. I don't know what I'm so nervous about. I think it's because - it's forever. When we were doing some of our pre-marital counseling, one of the questions was, "What are grounds for divorce?" I was completely shocked (albeit in a good way) that Brad's response was something along the lines of I don't believe in divorce, I believe when you take your vows for better or for worse it means you're going to stick together and work through the hard times. Mind you, I was rather impressed by that...but at the same time...yikes. No way out!

Anyway.

The magic cleaner that will save you $92 and you'll never have to buy another bottle again!

This world makes me worry about having kids one day. Was life really like this when my parents were my age?

Apparently the "No Solicitation" sign at the front of my subdivision is optional these days. A month or two ago I was home sick and was interrupted from my nap by a doorbell ringing. Thinking it was someone from work coming to check on me (not completely a delusion, I only work a mile from my house and a girl I work with lives in the same neighborhood) - I answered the door. A guy stood there and talked my ear off about public speaking/magazines for 45 minutes.

Last night someone knocked on my door. Mind you, I was *not* going to answer it. I turned the light on outside and the girl started waving. It's partly my own fault, but I thought she was a girl I knew so I opened it. Aw, crap. She was selling this cleaning product. She was just like any other door to door salesman until she started to realize that I wasn't interested. Now, up until this point I was only vaguely annoyed (because I couldn't get her to shut up long enough to let me tell her that I wasn't going to buy anything). THEN she starts trying to guilt me into buying it - "Well, even if you're not interested in the cleaning product, I know you'll be interested in supporting single black mothers like myself who are just trying to support their family - I know you'll do that, won't you?"

Okay now you just ticked me off. When you pull crap like that, alarm bells go off in my head and I want you off my stoop now. I finally managed to get her to leave but you could tell she was pissed off.

I feel like when things like this happens, I can't win. If I buy something, the chances are that I will get ripped off or scammed. If I don't buy anything, I run the chance of that person or someone they know retaliating, especially when they walk away muttering under their breath on what kind of person I am. Just because I prefer to not buy cleaning products from a perfect stranger does not qualify me as a racist, I'm just saying. If you'd been white/purple/red I wouldn't have bought it either.

So last night I slept horrible, wondering if every sound I heard was someone breaking in. Paranoid? Possibly. But how else am I supposed to feel?

Update: I came in to work this morning and asked the girl I work with who lives in my subdivision if she had anyone come by last night. She did, and she (along with a few other neighbors) had called the police. The girl had become abrasive and was cursing at everyone. The police didn't do anything because they said she wasn't doing anything wrong. Apparently "No Solicitation" doesn't actually mean anything after all.

Breathing exercises commence.

I just walked down the stairs at work from the kitchen with a clear mug of green tea in my hand. At the bottom of the stairs was one of our high-up executives, talking to another employee. Usually when I walk down the stairs, I look down because I’m concentrating on not falling. I looked up to see him looking at me very strangely. I get to the bottom of the stairs and he’s still staring at me. Finally he looks up and goes, “Ah, it’s tea. I thought you had beer there for a minute.”

Anyways. I gave my boss my unofficial notice today. It was such a weird feeling. The last time I did that I was so overjoyed – I hadn’t been happy working there for a long time and felt like finally I had a ray of light at the end of a tunnel. This time, though – it’s different. I don’t hate my job. It’s not that I can’t stand being around my boss. I just know that I’m meant for something better than this. I don’t want to be an assistant/secretary for my whole life. I don’t mind starting at the bottom somewhere if I can move up – I just don’t see that opportunity here anymore. It’s even more frustrating to hear the executives give internal speeches about all the opportunities here – and if you really want to move up and make something of yourself, you have that chance here. I don’t feel like I do. It’s incredibly frustrating to be told that you can’t apply for a position simply because someone in my current position can’t move that far up. No matter the fact that I have all the qualifications on paper – if I were an external candidate, I would be considered. To me, that’s the most stifling insult ever. I'm just saying.

So onward I go. About a month to go before the wedding and I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It’s the little things that are starting to get to me. Some things aren’t even wedding related. Stupid things make me burst into tears. Little things make me have knot after knot in my stomach.
I’m trying so hard not to wish this time away. At the same time, though, I just want it here. I want the wedding to be here, to be on the honeymoon, and be miles away from all my stresses. I even want the time to get here that I go back to school – but at the same time, I’m terrified to move to this new town in this new state where I have no friends. I already miss my friends so much and I haven’t even left them.

Everything will work out one way or another, I know that. I just hope we are making all the right decisions throughout all of this.

My, the difference 15 minutes can make...

Days like this just confirm even more what I already knew - Brad and I are just supposed to be together. It was planned even before we met. He completes me in ways no one else can even try.

I had a really frustrating day. It happens, that's life. I had my first wedding nightmare last night (it wasn't too serious so hopefully that's a good sign for the future). I was so angry and annoyed at so many little things building up on me (on top of Mother Nature taking her revenge on me for altering cycle-tmi, I know. But seriously, I was not exactly going to welcome Aunt Flo to my wedding OR honeymoon. I'm just saying.) I was in such a bad mood tonight when I called to say our goodnights. I didn't want to talk about it but somehow most of it came out. And suddenly it just didn't seem so bad anymore. It'll all work out. Just little things. He knew what to say and how to say it. Just like that, my spirits are lifted.

Before I called, I was stressed, angry and figuring I'd have to go downstairs and make some sleepytime tea to get any sleep tonight. But now, as I type this, I'm just so happy.

There's really no point to this post except...I'm just beyond happy about marrying him next month. I can't even pretend to have cold feet. He's everything I could ask for and even what I didn't know I wanted or needed. He just gets me and I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives sharing everything - the ups, the downs and the in-betweens.