How Miscarriage Has Made me a Better Mother

Maybe it's because my little one has hit the big milestone of one year.

Maybe it's because my brother and sister-in-law are expecting another baby.

Maybe it's just because sometimes I get sentimental.

But lately, I've been thinking so much about the little peanut that I lost.

And I'm at peace with it all now.

I lost you because God had a plan. I know, I know - how cliche. But if I had you then I wouldn't have Sadie. And because I lost you, I treasure her so much more.

It's hard to put into words, but I'll try.

You know how they say you don't know what you have until it's gone? Imagine that. Times a million.

Not a day goes by that I don't thank God over and over again for giving me Sadie. When she's crying all night. When she's clearly defiant. Because I know how quickly they can be taken away.

I'm not saying that parents who have never experienced loss can't be thankful for their children. But I honestly don't see how you can possibly understand the level of thankfulness that you can have unless you have lost one. To see all of your dreams taken away...being completely powerless to save your child...it's a feeling that is beyond just tough to swallow. It rips your soul into pieces.

I hold Sadie a little tighter when she's sick. I have more patience when she's difficult.

So for that, I am thankful (well, as thankful as you can be) for my miscarriage.

Because without it, I wouldn't be even half of the mother that I am now.

Bucket List Update

12 Down, 40 to go!

 Things I want to do before I die: (to be continued) - 

1. Go to NYC, stay out all night & end with breakfast at an all-night diner dive.

 2. Fly around the world.

 3. Visit all 7 continents.

 4. Get married. October 10, 2009

 5. Become fluent in another language.

 6. Dance on a bar. Spring Break 2006

 7. Own 1 ridiculously expensive material item (and only one!)

 8. Follow the Nile and climb the Great Pyramids.

 9. Go on an African Safari.

10. Jump off a waterfall somewhere exotic.

 11. Stay out all night and watch the sun come up. March 13, 2013

12. Visit all 50 states.

13. Spend a night somewhere haunted.

14. Visit an active volcano.

15. See all 7 Wonders of the World.

16. Go snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef.

17. Drink Guinness in Dublin.

18. See the Galapagos Islands.

19. Go on a Gondola ride in Venice.

20. Get soaked by the spray at Niagara Falls.

21. Jump in a New York taxi and yell, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" May 5, 2012

22. See the Amazon Rain Forest.

23. See the Sydney Opera House.

24. Watch Wimbledon.

25. Float on the Dead Sea.

26. Ride in a limo. February 24, 2011

27. Stay in a 5 star hotel.

28. Crash a wedding.

29. Have $1 million in the bank.

30. Put my feet in all of the oceans.

31. Go skinny dipping.

32. Sing karaoke. December 7, 2012

33. Be in a food fight.

34. Go kite surfing.

35. Go zorbing (google it if you don't know what that is). August 11, 2012

36. Read the entire Bible.

37. Slow-dance in the rain.

38. See a movie in a drive-thru theater. May 23, 2014 (Blended)

39. Ride a mechanical bull. (Don't remember the exact date, but I think it was in 2007)

40. See the Northern Lights.

41. Hear the Tran Siberian Orchestra play live. November 2008

42. Stay in a bungalo on the water in Tahiti.

43. See the Playboy Mansion's grotto, in person

44. Place a bet at the Kentucky Derby.

45. Play BlackJack in a Las Vegas Casino & win.

46. Swing on a trapeeze.

47. Sit on the top of a double decker bus in London.

48. Ski in Colorado or Wyoming.

49. Have a glass of wine in Napa Valley.

50. Spend an entire day with no clothes on.

51. (write in!) Take a Hot Air Balloon Ride October 6, 2012

52. (write in!) Swim with dolphins in the Caribbean  March 13, 2013