I don't say "Amen" anymore.
In a lot of ways, I relate a lot more with non-believers than I do with actual Christians.
I've been screwed more than once by a church or an influential person within the church. Two particular times have essentially scarred me.
The first time was an actual pastor. Without going into details, he purposely withheld me from furthering my spiritual growth. The reasons behind it, I have no idea. My best guess has to do with some sort of politics or dislike of my parents. Either way, I was young and impressionable. Luckily, I was fairly resilient but still. It's never far from my mind and even though this pastor did eventually apologize years later and admit he did wrong, the scar was still there. I have yet to find a pastor that I fully trust now because I expect to be held back. I can tell that I unconsciously try to not have a personal relationship with a pastor because I don't trust them now.
The second time was the one that really got me. I had just moved up here - somewhere far away from my friends, family, church and comfort zone. I was determined to find a church family that I could settle into - I really thought it would ease the stresses of being in a foreign place (and yes, small towns ARE foreign!). I truly felt like God led me to this one church - I wrote about it in another blog. I became their pianist on Sunday mornings. I loved it. I felt like I had a home. I felt like I belonged in this strange place. I felt like I could be myself and trust people. Then it happened. Small town drama. Someone inside the church got mad at - stay with me here - Brad's aunt's mother...who went to that church. Before you could even say "Praise God", I was out. Out of the position I had come to adore, out of the church that had become familiar. All in an email. Not even the decency to tell me in person. And not another word from anyone in that church since - even when we cross paths in the grocery store.
It's not the money that I wanted or needed. It was feeling like I finally belonged somewhere in this small town of people who all grew up together. And there again went my trust in the church.
I know my mother worries about me. But it's now to the point that I'm scared to go to church. I'm scared to find a comfort zone in a church because I'm scared to be hurt. Churches are supposed to be a place of sanctuary - of peace. It shouldn't cause so much pain. It's even hard for me to witness sometimes - I want people to know about God and how amazing He is - but it's hard for me to ask them to come to church. I feel like I'm lying to them. How can I honestly tell them how wonderful a church family is when I experience so much pain?
I love to go to church anonymously. I love my parents' church in Charlotte. The pastor there has no idea what my name is, where I live, or anything about me. I feel peace when I walk out of there. Maybe it's because I know she'll never have any idea who I am. I've considered just going to a different church every week. I know that's not what God intended but sometimes I wonder just what He did intend for me.
So that's why I've stopped saying "Amen" after I pray. I've decided that talking to God all the time, all day long, is the best way to figure out what He wants from me. Why do I have to stop talking to Him? Why do I have to essentially say, "signing off, God, talk to you later"? I need Him throughout the day and sometimes throughout the night. I don't want to close the dialogue between God and I. All of the pain that came from the churches were hard enough to deal with and strained our relationship enough. I can't get through this life without my faith so if I can't have a church family then I'm going to have to up the ante with God himself. Maybe if He and I can communicate enough, one day I'll have the nerve to try a church again. But when that day comes, I'm taking it slow. No more going into it assuming that a church family is what is right for me.
Maybe my place in this world is to relate to the people who can't relate to church.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Oh what a wonderful world...
I don't update much, mainly because the only people who really read it are people I talk to on a pretty regular basis...but in case you've missed it -
First and foremost, I am officially a student again! I applied to 3 graduate schools - Shippensburg University for MA in Communications, Mount St. Mary's University for an MBA and then, the long shot beyond long shots, Johns Hopkins University for an MA in Communications. Somewhere along the line, someone thought I was worth taking a chance on and got accepted to Johns Hopkins! I'm registered, books are ordered and I start classes June 8! It's just a huge relief, not only because I really have a direction in life again, but because I only have to be "in person" this semester. Starting in January, anyone will be able to complete the Master's degree completely online and they've already started offering a great deal of classes online. I chose to start off with one this semester and work my way up to a maximum of 3. I'm going to take 1-3 classes each semester (including summers) and if all goes well, I'll graduate in 2012. I'm extremely pumped that I'm going to be at a great school, but I'm also excited because this means we aren't tied to this area until I finish. If we choose to, say, move back to Charlotte this fall (which has been talked about recently! woohoo!), I can still finish my degree in the same length of time. QUITE exciting stuff.
Speaking of Charlotte, I just spent about a week and a half there - the first week or so was with my Momma and then Brad brought the pups down for a few days. We attempted Tabetha's graduation...left the dogs in the garage with the garage window cracked about 5 inches (and a screen). We managed to get into Monroe, which is about 10 minutes from the graduation site and 30 minutes from where my house is - and got a call from someone asking if we were missing 2 dogs. I thought I was going to throw up. The woman said she had Roxy (although at first Brad thought she said one of them had been hit by a car) but that Chloe ran away. Of all the scenarios, Chloe getting loose is my worst nightmare. She's come a LONG way from when we first got her, but she's still generally terrified of strangers. And cars. And bicycles. You get my point. This wonderful woman stopped traffic so she could herd Roxy into her car and brought her home. About 15 minutes later (of COURSE there was a major accident on 74) she called back to let us know that Chloe was around the back of my unit but still wouldn't come to her. The whole way back, Brad and I just kept praying that she would come back, that she wouldn't get hit by a car, etc. We got back, I jumped out barefoot (I had taken off my heels in case I had to go running through traffic to get Chloe) and, thank God, Chloe and Roxy were sitting on the front steps with this wonderful woman. I did not let them out of my sight for the rest of the trip. We gave them a treat though - they aren't allowed to sleep in our bed with us at home. They can sleep in the bedroom with us, and they have a bed they can sleep in, but we're holding out on letting them actually sleep in the bed with us. In Charlotte, we took my mattress and my guest room mattress to the basement and put them down side by side - then they got to curl up and sleep with us. It was like a family campout!
We go back down this weekend, just Brad and I. The day has finally come that I have to move out of my house. I always knew that day would come - I knew I wouldn't stay in that house forever. It's still very bittersweet though. The selling process has not been a pleasant one. That's all I should probably say at this point. I'm looking forward to finding a house that is actually Brad and I's at some point, although I think we'll probably hang out in our rent-free house for awhile. This opportunity will probably never come again so we might as well take advantage of us.
My big brother is now engaged! I believe we're looking at an early December wedding. For those that don't know, I set up my brother up with my now future-sister-in-law. After Brad and my close friend Cinnamon both moved from Charlotte within a month of each other, I got involved in a Bible Study at my church. A few months later, I met a girl there who had been seeing a guy at that Study, but it just didn't work out. She still liked the Study though, so she kept coming back. We talked, we hung out a few times and I told her I thought she would be great for my brother. She claimed that she wasn't looking for a relationship and I said okay. We had planned for her to spend the night with me one Friday night - we wanted to have some wine so figured it would be easiest to just not worry about driving. Interestingly enough, my brother called soon after she got there, saying he was in the neighborhood and would I like to have dinner (a fairly common occurrence, he tended to have business down in my neck of the woods every few weeks or so). I told him I was cooking dinner that night because I had a friend over but there was plenty there if he'd like to stop by and join us. He did, and I swear to you, I called my mom after she left on Saturday and told her I saw the sparks. The 3 of us had been sitting at that table but it was really like I wasn't even there - I really just sat back and watched the two of them interact. That Sunday I went to my brother's house to watch a football game with him and his friends and as soon as I walked in the door I told him, "She thinks you're cute and she'd go out with you if you asked her, that's all I'm saying." The next week, he and I went to dinner again, he asked me for her number, and voila. Anyone care to be my next matchmaking conquest? I'm 1-1 now! :)
I've got to get dinner started now - baked tilapia! Maybe I can get back into this on a regular basis again...
First and foremost, I am officially a student again! I applied to 3 graduate schools - Shippensburg University for MA in Communications, Mount St. Mary's University for an MBA and then, the long shot beyond long shots, Johns Hopkins University for an MA in Communications. Somewhere along the line, someone thought I was worth taking a chance on and got accepted to Johns Hopkins! I'm registered, books are ordered and I start classes June 8! It's just a huge relief, not only because I really have a direction in life again, but because I only have to be "in person" this semester. Starting in January, anyone will be able to complete the Master's degree completely online and they've already started offering a great deal of classes online. I chose to start off with one this semester and work my way up to a maximum of 3. I'm going to take 1-3 classes each semester (including summers) and if all goes well, I'll graduate in 2012. I'm extremely pumped that I'm going to be at a great school, but I'm also excited because this means we aren't tied to this area until I finish. If we choose to, say, move back to Charlotte this fall (which has been talked about recently! woohoo!), I can still finish my degree in the same length of time. QUITE exciting stuff.
Speaking of Charlotte, I just spent about a week and a half there - the first week or so was with my Momma and then Brad brought the pups down for a few days. We attempted Tabetha's graduation...left the dogs in the garage with the garage window cracked about 5 inches (and a screen). We managed to get into Monroe, which is about 10 minutes from the graduation site and 30 minutes from where my house is - and got a call from someone asking if we were missing 2 dogs. I thought I was going to throw up. The woman said she had Roxy (although at first Brad thought she said one of them had been hit by a car) but that Chloe ran away. Of all the scenarios, Chloe getting loose is my worst nightmare. She's come a LONG way from when we first got her, but she's still generally terrified of strangers. And cars. And bicycles. You get my point. This wonderful woman stopped traffic so she could herd Roxy into her car and brought her home. About 15 minutes later (of COURSE there was a major accident on 74) she called back to let us know that Chloe was around the back of my unit but still wouldn't come to her. The whole way back, Brad and I just kept praying that she would come back, that she wouldn't get hit by a car, etc. We got back, I jumped out barefoot (I had taken off my heels in case I had to go running through traffic to get Chloe) and, thank God, Chloe and Roxy were sitting on the front steps with this wonderful woman. I did not let them out of my sight for the rest of the trip. We gave them a treat though - they aren't allowed to sleep in our bed with us at home. They can sleep in the bedroom with us, and they have a bed they can sleep in, but we're holding out on letting them actually sleep in the bed with us. In Charlotte, we took my mattress and my guest room mattress to the basement and put them down side by side - then they got to curl up and sleep with us. It was like a family campout!
We go back down this weekend, just Brad and I. The day has finally come that I have to move out of my house. I always knew that day would come - I knew I wouldn't stay in that house forever. It's still very bittersweet though. The selling process has not been a pleasant one. That's all I should probably say at this point. I'm looking forward to finding a house that is actually Brad and I's at some point, although I think we'll probably hang out in our rent-free house for awhile. This opportunity will probably never come again so we might as well take advantage of us.
My big brother is now engaged! I believe we're looking at an early December wedding. For those that don't know, I set up my brother up with my now future-sister-in-law. After Brad and my close friend Cinnamon both moved from Charlotte within a month of each other, I got involved in a Bible Study at my church. A few months later, I met a girl there who had been seeing a guy at that Study, but it just didn't work out. She still liked the Study though, so she kept coming back. We talked, we hung out a few times and I told her I thought she would be great for my brother. She claimed that she wasn't looking for a relationship and I said okay. We had planned for her to spend the night with me one Friday night - we wanted to have some wine so figured it would be easiest to just not worry about driving. Interestingly enough, my brother called soon after she got there, saying he was in the neighborhood and would I like to have dinner (a fairly common occurrence, he tended to have business down in my neck of the woods every few weeks or so). I told him I was cooking dinner that night because I had a friend over but there was plenty there if he'd like to stop by and join us. He did, and I swear to you, I called my mom after she left on Saturday and told her I saw the sparks. The 3 of us had been sitting at that table but it was really like I wasn't even there - I really just sat back and watched the two of them interact. That Sunday I went to my brother's house to watch a football game with him and his friends and as soon as I walked in the door I told him, "She thinks you're cute and she'd go out with you if you asked her, that's all I'm saying." The next week, he and I went to dinner again, he asked me for her number, and voila. Anyone care to be my next matchmaking conquest? I'm 1-1 now! :)
I've got to get dinner started now - baked tilapia! Maybe I can get back into this on a regular basis again...
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