When I moved up here, I took a part time job as a 911 dispatcher. I like the job much more than I thought I would/am willing to admit - you can't deny that every day is something new. But more importantly, it pays really well for a part time job (better than my old full time job!) and I can sign up only for the hours I want to work. If I want off a week, no biggie, I just don't sign up for that week. That flexibility is nice, especially for when I start school.
It's hard though. Really hard.
Today a call came in almost at the end of my shift that will stay with me forever.
It sounds harsh, but it wasn't the first time I'd taken a call for a person who had died. But this call was completely different.
For the first time, the woman on the other end of the phone started off the call with hope. She called, hoping for help which I did my best to deliver. This time, though, there was a defining moment where she realized her 40 year old husband was not going to wake up and I could hear her world crash down around her in a million pieces. He had laid down for a nap and never woke up. You can clearly tell, in the call, the exact second that she realized there was no hope. It affected me in a way I can't describe.
You can say, "oh yeah, that's terrible". You can say, "oh that poor woman". You can even say, "I know how she feels." But have you ever been *right there* with a person...when they have their personal epiphany that their beloved is gone forever? My thoughts haven't left this woman all night. I made it through the rest of my shift and to my car before I broke down. I had such an adrenaline rush from giving the CPR instructions that it took awhile for me to really let my emotions break free.
They tell us in training not to let the calls get to us - not to let them get personal. I knew I'd have a problem with this but so far it hadn't been too bad. It's never a good thing when a person dies but when the person has lived a long life a part of me tends to feel relief for them.
But when they're young and it clearly takes their spouse by surprise - when you hear that absolute moment that they break down and begin the grieving process - it's an unreal feeling. I've lost family and friends before. I know the pain you feel when you initially realize someone is gone. I also know that there's that numbness you feel. That numbness you *feel* - I can *hear*. It's absolutely heartbreaking and I can't even find a way to describe it. All I can say is that it makes me want to scream to every person I know not to take a single solitary day for granted. This man was 40 years old and never woke up. His widow's life came crashing down in a split second. Her life will never be the same and the next few weeks/months are going to be a total and complete hell. I have no idea who these people are but I've sobbed more for them since my shift ended than I've cried in a very long time. I'm grieving for them because I can't even imagine the shock and despair that she must feel right now.
This one hit me and hit me hard. I pray that no one who reads this will ever have to hear that moment where someone hits their rock bottom - but at the same time, it takes me to that Tim McGraw song - Live Like You Were Dying. No day is guaranteed. Not yours, not your family, not your friends and not your enemies. Don't live with regrets. Don't live "meaning" to do things. Just do them. Tell the ones you love that you love them every chance you get. Be unselfish.
If you ever hear someone's heart break, you'll understand how I feel right now. It's one thing for your own heart to break. It's another thing entirely to hear someone else's heart break. It's even a different thing if you have a vested interest. I am a total and complete stranger. I almost feel like I was intruding on her personal moment. I share in her pain now. Obviously I can't feel half of the heartache that she feels right now but I bear a lot of grief alongside with her. I wasn't able to help her. They tell me there was nothing I could have done - that he was probably already gone before she dialed the numbers. But just this once, I wanted so badly to help her. To prove them all wrong. That love can conquer all. But I'm not God.
This job may not be how I want to spend the rest of my career - but it's teaching me things that no 9-5 job could ever possibly come close. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. It can be ripped away in a split second.
Emotionally exhausted
Friday, April 9, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A few things to get off my chest...
Even though no one really reads this :)
1. I have decided that I am vehemently opposed to forcing literature in school. Mind you, I love reading and I loved my English/Literature classes all through college - but I still don't think they should be forced. I don't think there's much that makes me more angry than to hear people say they "hate" reading. I take it as a personal challenge. Very few people in the world truly "hate" reading. They've just been forced to read things that they're not interested in for so long that they assume everything out there is ridiculously mind numbing. Reading and analyzing Jane Eyre might be fascinating fun for someone who say, wants to pursue a career in English/Literature. To most of the rest of us, it's not fun, not entertaining, and not something we want to do ever again. Yet if you give someone a book with something they're interested in, it's funny how their outlook on reading changes. Like a girl who "hates reading" but gets hooked on Nicholas Sparks (how can you NOT??) - she hated reading but when she was introduced to a book that interested HER, she can't get enough. Or my own husband, who hated reading - but when you get him some books about the Secret Service/FBI/Presidential details - he'll sit out on the beach all day with a book in his hand.
It kind of infuriates me that there are so many English/Literature professors out there who don't seem to care about making reading enjoyable - or something that people will continue doing after they graduate. I understand that there are "standards", but why use only the standards? Why not throw in a book or two that might actually engage students and make them interested? Other than English majors, how many people will find reading Beowulf exciting? And would want to find more books like that to read? I wish they would focus more on making reading something FUN for students - reading is something you can enjoy for the rest of your life, but the way they make most curriculums these days they are just tearing people away from it.
2. We're a month into having our two pups in the house and they've totally changed my life forever :) We've discovered that they are not the breeds that the shelter told us - Chloe is a Basenji mix - probably with a shepherd but that's not her primary breed. A girl at our obedience class mentioned that she looked like a Basenji so we went home and did some research and it's pretty much dead on. She has the biggest ears in the world. She's the quickest dog we've ever seen. Roxy is a fast dog, but Chloe leaves her in the dust. We think she'd make a great search-and-rescue dog: if you pretend to fall and be hurt, she will stop at nothing to get to you and just curl up beside you. I buried Brad in blankets and pillows and she went nuts getting him out of there. She loves nothing more than to have her belly scratched and makes friends with all dogs - even the bull mastiff at obedience class that could crush her with one paw! Now if we could get her to trust people in the same way, we'll be okay! We suspect she was abused in her previous home. The papers the former owners filled out stated that she was good with small children and lived with them - but she's absolutely terrified of them so we think there was some cruelty going on. She gets better every day though!
More to come later, I'm sure.
1. I have decided that I am vehemently opposed to forcing literature in school. Mind you, I love reading and I loved my English/Literature classes all through college - but I still don't think they should be forced. I don't think there's much that makes me more angry than to hear people say they "hate" reading. I take it as a personal challenge. Very few people in the world truly "hate" reading. They've just been forced to read things that they're not interested in for so long that they assume everything out there is ridiculously mind numbing. Reading and analyzing Jane Eyre might be fascinating fun for someone who say, wants to pursue a career in English/Literature. To most of the rest of us, it's not fun, not entertaining, and not something we want to do ever again. Yet if you give someone a book with something they're interested in, it's funny how their outlook on reading changes. Like a girl who "hates reading" but gets hooked on Nicholas Sparks (how can you NOT??) - she hated reading but when she was introduced to a book that interested HER, she can't get enough. Or my own husband, who hated reading - but when you get him some books about the Secret Service/FBI/Presidential details - he'll sit out on the beach all day with a book in his hand.
It kind of infuriates me that there are so many English/Literature professors out there who don't seem to care about making reading enjoyable - or something that people will continue doing after they graduate. I understand that there are "standards", but why use only the standards? Why not throw in a book or two that might actually engage students and make them interested? Other than English majors, how many people will find reading Beowulf exciting? And would want to find more books like that to read? I wish they would focus more on making reading something FUN for students - reading is something you can enjoy for the rest of your life, but the way they make most curriculums these days they are just tearing people away from it.
2. We're a month into having our two pups in the house and they've totally changed my life forever :) We've discovered that they are not the breeds that the shelter told us - Chloe is a Basenji mix - probably with a shepherd but that's not her primary breed. A girl at our obedience class mentioned that she looked like a Basenji so we went home and did some research and it's pretty much dead on. She has the biggest ears in the world. She's the quickest dog we've ever seen. Roxy is a fast dog, but Chloe leaves her in the dust. We think she'd make a great search-and-rescue dog: if you pretend to fall and be hurt, she will stop at nothing to get to you and just curl up beside you. I buried Brad in blankets and pillows and she went nuts getting him out of there. She loves nothing more than to have her belly scratched and makes friends with all dogs - even the bull mastiff at obedience class that could crush her with one paw! Now if we could get her to trust people in the same way, we'll be okay! We suspect she was abused in her previous home. The papers the former owners filled out stated that she was good with small children and lived with them - but she's absolutely terrified of them so we think there was some cruelty going on. She gets better every day though!
Roxy is a Plott Hound/Retriever mix. I maintain that she has some boxer in her. The way she stands at attention sometimes is IDENTICAL to a boxer. On a walk the other day Brad even said from a distance she looks like one. She has such pretty brindle coloring. She's extremely easy going and thinks that everyone is her best friend. If you pass her and don't stop to pet her or scratch her ears, she gets this mopey look on her face. She's become very protective of Chloe - when Chloe gets what Roxy considers "too close" to another dog at obedience, Roxy jumps in to "protect" her. Even when they're standing beside each other at obedience, they need to be closer. We probably could have saved a lot of money on beds and crates and just got one since they tend to want to sleep together anyway.
And now some pretty little pictures of our pretty little pups! :)
Curled up together in one crate
We found Daddy!
More to come later, I'm sure.
3. Just a quick one. Don't tell someone you will write a letter of recommendation, only to find that with a week to go before all the material needs to be in, that you NEVER WROTE IT! Of course, it happens to be the one school that I really want to attend too...just figures!
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