Breathing exercises commence.

I just walked down the stairs at work from the kitchen with a clear mug of green tea in my hand. At the bottom of the stairs was one of our high-up executives, talking to another employee. Usually when I walk down the stairs, I look down because I’m concentrating on not falling. I looked up to see him looking at me very strangely. I get to the bottom of the stairs and he’s still staring at me. Finally he looks up and goes, “Ah, it’s tea. I thought you had beer there for a minute.”

Anyways. I gave my boss my unofficial notice today. It was such a weird feeling. The last time I did that I was so overjoyed – I hadn’t been happy working there for a long time and felt like finally I had a ray of light at the end of a tunnel. This time, though – it’s different. I don’t hate my job. It’s not that I can’t stand being around my boss. I just know that I’m meant for something better than this. I don’t want to be an assistant/secretary for my whole life. I don’t mind starting at the bottom somewhere if I can move up – I just don’t see that opportunity here anymore. It’s even more frustrating to hear the executives give internal speeches about all the opportunities here – and if you really want to move up and make something of yourself, you have that chance here. I don’t feel like I do. It’s incredibly frustrating to be told that you can’t apply for a position simply because someone in my current position can’t move that far up. No matter the fact that I have all the qualifications on paper – if I were an external candidate, I would be considered. To me, that’s the most stifling insult ever. I'm just saying.

So onward I go. About a month to go before the wedding and I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It’s the little things that are starting to get to me. Some things aren’t even wedding related. Stupid things make me burst into tears. Little things make me have knot after knot in my stomach.
I’m trying so hard not to wish this time away. At the same time, though, I just want it here. I want the wedding to be here, to be on the honeymoon, and be miles away from all my stresses. I even want the time to get here that I go back to school – but at the same time, I’m terrified to move to this new town in this new state where I have no friends. I already miss my friends so much and I haven’t even left them.

Everything will work out one way or another, I know that. I just hope we are making all the right decisions throughout all of this.