I know I don't post in here anymore, but I've got a recap of the past few weeks coming soon with pictures. It's going to be super long though, so don't start it unless you've got all the time in the world. If nothing else, it's for me to remember this trip.

Puerto Rico
Tortola
St. Maarten
St. Lucia
Barbados
Grenada
Aruba
Curacao

Soooo. Since I totally stink at updating my personal blog, I would like to direct you lovely readers over to my  new blog. It was partly inspired by a friend who constantly tells me about my gift giving abilities and partly because...I'm taking a class where we are learning about blogging. Rather than go totally personal to total strangers, I'm going to switch over. If you'd like to follow my new blog (I've gone 6 days in a row updating if that tells you anything!) feel free to add me:

The Gift of Gifting

Hope to see everyone there! :)

I know I don't update on this much, but I'm going to try to do little ones more often, especially when there's something going on I want to remember.

I have such an awesome husband.

I came home from work yesterday (which is getting up at 4:15am to get a super quick workout in, being at work before 6am and getting off work at 6pm) to find steak & shrimp kabobs, noodles, and a mixed salad ready and waiting for me.

I went to bed early last night (that's what getting up hours before dawn does to you) only to be woken up a few hours later by my husband. The sky and moon looked pretty and he wanted to take a picture of us kissing in front of it. Who does that?

I'm so grateful he cares and doesn't mind to show me. I'm so grateful that he's so happy to be with me.

I'm not perfect.

I don't say "Amen" anymore.

In a lot of ways, I relate a lot more with non-believers than I do with actual Christians.

I've been screwed more than once by a church or an influential person within the church. Two particular times have essentially scarred me.

The first time was an actual pastor. Without going into details, he purposely withheld me from furthering my spiritual growth. The reasons behind it, I have no idea. My best guess has to do with some sort of politics or dislike of my parents. Either way, I was young and impressionable. Luckily, I was fairly resilient but still. It's never far from my mind and even though this pastor did eventually apologize years later and admit he did wrong,  the scar was still there. I have yet to find a pastor that I fully trust now because I expect to be held back. I can tell that I unconsciously try to not have a personal relationship with a pastor because I don't trust them now.

The second time was the one that really got me. I had just moved up here - somewhere far away from my friends, family, church and comfort zone. I was determined to find a church family that I could settle into - I really thought it would ease the stresses of being in a foreign place (and yes, small towns ARE foreign!). I truly felt like God led me to this one church - I wrote about it in another blog. I became their pianist on Sunday mornings. I loved it. I felt like I had a home. I felt like I belonged in this strange place. I felt like I could be myself and trust people. Then it happened. Small town drama. Someone inside the church got mad at - stay with me here - Brad's aunt's mother...who went to that church. Before you could even say "Praise God", I was out. Out of the position I had come to adore, out of the church that had become familiar. All in an email. Not even the decency to tell me in person. And not another word from anyone in that church since - even when we cross paths in the grocery store.

It's not the money that I wanted or needed. It was feeling like I finally belonged somewhere in this small town of people who all grew up together. And there again went my trust in the church.

I know my mother worries about me. But it's now to the point that I'm scared to go to church. I'm scared to find a comfort zone in a church because I'm scared to be hurt. Churches are supposed to be a place of sanctuary - of peace. It shouldn't cause so much pain. It's even hard for me to witness sometimes - I want people to know about God and how amazing He is - but it's hard for me to ask them to come to church. I feel like I'm lying to them. How can I honestly tell them how wonderful a church family is when I experience so much pain?

I love to go to church anonymously. I love my parents' church in  Charlotte. The pastor there has no idea what my name is, where I live, or anything about me. I feel peace when I walk out of there. Maybe it's because I know she'll never have any idea who I am. I've considered just going to a different church every week. I know that's not what God intended but sometimes I wonder just what He did intend for me.

So that's why I've stopped saying "Amen" after I pray. I've decided that talking to God all the time, all day long, is the best way to figure out what He wants from me. Why do I have to stop talking to Him? Why do I have to essentially say, "signing off, God, talk to you later"? I need Him throughout the day and sometimes throughout the night. I don't want to close the dialogue between God and I. All of the pain that came from the churches were hard enough to deal with and strained our relationship enough. I can't get through this life without my faith so if I can't have a church family then I'm going to have to up the ante with God himself. Maybe if He and I can communicate enough, one day I'll have the nerve to try a church again. But when that day comes, I'm taking it slow. No more going into it assuming that a church family is what is right for me.

Maybe my place in this world is to relate to the people who can't relate to church.

Oh what a wonderful world...

I don't update much, mainly because the only people who really read it are people I talk to on a pretty regular basis...but in case you've missed it -

First and foremost, I am officially a student again! I applied to 3 graduate schools - Shippensburg University for MA in Communications, Mount St. Mary's University for an MBA and then, the long shot beyond long shots, Johns Hopkins University for an MA in Communications. Somewhere along the line, someone thought I was worth taking a chance on and got accepted to Johns Hopkins! I'm registered, books are ordered and I start classes June 8! It's just a huge relief, not only because I really have a direction in life again, but because I only have to be "in person" this semester. Starting in January, anyone will be able to complete the Master's degree completely online and they've already started offering a great deal of classes online. I chose to start off with one this semester and work my way up to a maximum of 3. I'm going to take 1-3 classes each semester (including summers) and if all goes well, I'll graduate in 2012. I'm extremely pumped that I'm going to be at a great school, but I'm also excited because this means we aren't tied to this area until I finish. If we choose to, say, move back to Charlotte this fall (which has been talked about recently! woohoo!), I can still finish my degree in the same length of time. QUITE exciting stuff.

Speaking of Charlotte, I just spent about a week and a half there - the first week or so was with my Momma and then Brad brought the pups down for a few days. We attempted Tabetha's graduation...left the dogs in the garage with the garage window cracked about 5 inches (and a screen).  We managed to get into Monroe, which is about 10 minutes from the graduation site and 30 minutes from where my house is - and got a call from someone asking if we were missing 2 dogs. I thought I was going to throw up. The woman said she had Roxy (although at first Brad thought she said one of them had been hit by a car) but that Chloe ran away. Of all the scenarios, Chloe getting loose is my worst nightmare. She's come a LONG way from when we first got her, but she's still generally terrified of strangers. And cars. And bicycles. You get my point. This wonderful woman stopped traffic so she could herd Roxy into her car and brought her home. About 15 minutes later (of COURSE there was a major accident on 74) she called back to let us know that Chloe was around the back of my unit but still wouldn't come to her. The whole way back, Brad and I just kept praying that she would come back, that she wouldn't get hit by a car, etc. We got back, I jumped out barefoot (I had taken off my heels in case I had to go running through traffic to get Chloe) and, thank God, Chloe and Roxy were sitting on the front steps with this wonderful woman. I did not let them out of my sight for the rest of the trip. We gave them a treat though - they aren't allowed to sleep in our bed with us at home. They can sleep in the bedroom with us, and they have a bed they can sleep in, but we're holding out on letting them actually sleep in the bed with us. In Charlotte, we took my mattress and my guest room mattress to the basement and put them down side by side - then they got to curl up and sleep with us. It was like a family campout!

We go back down this weekend, just Brad and I. The day has finally come that I have to move out of my house. I always knew that day would come - I knew I wouldn't stay in that house forever. It's still very bittersweet though. The selling process has not been a pleasant one. That's all I should probably say at this point. I'm looking forward to finding a house that is actually Brad and I's at some point, although I think we'll probably hang out in our rent-free house for awhile. This opportunity will probably  never come again so we might as well take advantage of us.

My big brother is now engaged! I believe we're looking at an early December wedding. For those that don't know, I set up my brother up with my now future-sister-in-law. After Brad and my close friend Cinnamon both moved from Charlotte within a month of each other, I got involved in a Bible Study at my church. A few months later, I met a girl there who had been seeing a guy at that Study, but it just didn't work out. She still liked the Study though, so she kept coming back. We talked, we hung out a few times and I told her I thought she would be great for my brother. She claimed that she wasn't looking for a relationship and I said okay. We had planned for her to spend the night with me one Friday night - we wanted to have some wine so figured it would be easiest to just not worry about driving. Interestingly enough, my brother called soon after she got there, saying he was in the neighborhood and would I like to have dinner (a fairly common occurrence, he tended to have business down in my neck of the woods every few weeks or so). I told him I was cooking dinner that night because I had a friend over but there was plenty there if he'd like to stop by and join us. He did, and I swear to you, I called my mom after she left on Saturday and told her I saw the sparks. The 3 of us had been sitting at that table but it was really like I wasn't even there - I really just sat back and watched the two of them interact. That Sunday I went to my brother's house to watch a football game with him and his friends and as soon as I walked in the door I told him, "She thinks you're cute and she'd go out with you if you asked her, that's all I'm saying." The next week, he and I went to dinner again, he asked me for her number, and voila. Anyone care to be my next matchmaking conquest? I'm 1-1 now! :)

I've got to get dinner started now - baked tilapia! Maybe I can get back into this on a regular basis again...

I had a rough day.

When I moved up here, I took a part time job as a 911 dispatcher. I like the job much more than I thought I would/am willing to admit - you can't deny that every day is something new. But more importantly, it pays really well for a part time job (better than my old full time job!) and I can sign up only for the hours I want to work. If I want off a week, no biggie, I just don't sign up for that week. That flexibility is nice, especially for when I start school.

It's hard though. Really hard.

Today a call came in almost at the end of my shift that will stay with me forever.

It sounds harsh, but it wasn't the first time I'd taken a call for a person who had died. But this call was completely different.

For the first time, the woman on the other end of the phone started off the call with hope. She called, hoping for help which I did my best to deliver. This time, though, there was a defining moment where she realized her 40 year old husband was not going to wake up and I could hear her world crash down around her in a million pieces. He had laid down for a nap and never woke up. You can clearly tell, in the call, the exact second that she realized there was no hope. It affected me in a way I can't describe.

You can say, "oh yeah, that's terrible". You can say, "oh that poor woman". You can even say, "I know how she feels." But have you ever been *right there* with a person...when they have their personal epiphany that their beloved is gone forever? My thoughts haven't left this woman all night. I made it through the rest of my shift and to my car before I broke down. I had such an adrenaline rush from giving the CPR instructions that it took awhile for me to really let my emotions break free.

They tell us in training not to let the calls get to us - not to let them get personal. I knew I'd have a problem with this but so far it hadn't been too bad. It's never a good thing when a person dies but when the person has lived a long life a part of me tends to feel relief for them.

But when they're young and it clearly takes their spouse by surprise - when you hear that absolute moment that they break down and begin the grieving process - it's an unreal feeling. I've lost family and friends before. I know the pain you feel when you initially realize someone is gone. I also know that there's that numbness you feel. That numbness you *feel* - I can *hear*. It's absolutely heartbreaking and I can't even find a way to describe it. All I can say is that it makes me want to scream to every person I know not to take a single solitary day for granted. This man was 40 years old and never woke up. His widow's life came crashing down in a split second. Her life will never be the same and the next few weeks/months are going to be a total and complete hell. I have no idea who these people are but I've sobbed more for them since my shift ended than I've cried in a very long time. I'm grieving for them because I can't even imagine the shock and despair that she must feel right now.

This one hit me and hit me hard. I pray that no one who reads this will ever have to hear that moment where someone hits their rock bottom - but at the same time, it takes me to that Tim McGraw song - Live Like You Were Dying. No day is guaranteed. Not yours, not your family, not your friends and not your enemies. Don't live with regrets. Don't live "meaning" to do things. Just do them. Tell the ones you love that you love them every chance you get. Be unselfish.

If you ever  hear someone's heart break, you'll understand how I feel right now. It's one thing for your own heart to break. It's another thing entirely to hear someone else's heart break. It's even a different thing if you have a vested interest. I am a total and complete stranger. I almost feel like I was intruding on her personal moment. I share in her pain now. Obviously I can't feel half of the heartache that she feels right now but  I bear a lot of grief alongside with her. I wasn't able to help her. They tell me there was nothing I could have done - that he was probably already gone before she dialed the numbers. But just this once, I wanted so badly to help her. To prove them all wrong. That love can conquer all. But I'm not God.

This job may not be how I want to spend the rest of my career - but it's teaching me things that no 9-5 job could ever possibly come close. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. It can be ripped away in a split second.

Emotionally exhausted

A few things to get off my chest...

Even though no one really reads this :)

1. I have decided that I am vehemently opposed to forcing literature in school. Mind you, I love reading and I loved my English/Literature classes all through college - but I still don't think they should be forced. I don't think there's much that makes me more angry than to hear people say they "hate" reading. I take it as a personal challenge. Very few people in the world truly "hate" reading. They've just been forced to read things that they're not interested in for so long that they assume everything out there is ridiculously mind numbing. Reading and analyzing Jane Eyre might be fascinating fun for someone who say, wants to pursue a career in English/Literature. To most of the rest of us, it's not fun, not entertaining, and not something we want to do ever again. Yet if you give someone a book with something they're interested in, it's funny how their outlook on reading changes. Like a girl who "hates reading" but gets hooked on Nicholas Sparks (how can you NOT??) - she hated reading but when she was introduced to a book that interested HER, she can't get enough. Or my own husband, who hated reading - but when you get him some books about the Secret Service/FBI/Presidential details - he'll sit out on the beach all day with a book in his hand.

It kind of infuriates me that there are so many English/Literature professors out there who don't seem to care about making reading enjoyable - or something that people will continue doing after they graduate. I understand that there are "standards", but why use only the standards? Why not throw in a book or two that might actually engage students and make them interested? Other than English majors, how many people will find reading Beowulf exciting? And would want to find more books like that to read? I wish they would focus more on making reading something FUN for students - reading is something you can enjoy for the rest of your life, but the way they make most curriculums these days they are just tearing people away from it.

2. We're a month into having our two pups in the house and they've totally changed my life forever :) We've discovered that they are not the breeds that the shelter told us - Chloe is a Basenji mix - probably with a shepherd but that's not her primary breed. A girl at our obedience class mentioned that she looked like a Basenji so we went home and did some research and it's pretty much dead on. She has the biggest ears in the world. She's the quickest dog we've ever seen. Roxy is a fast dog, but Chloe leaves her in the dust. We think she'd make a great search-and-rescue dog: if you pretend to fall and be hurt, she will stop at nothing to get to you and just curl up beside you. I buried Brad in blankets and pillows and she went nuts getting him out of there. She loves nothing more than to have her belly scratched and makes friends with all dogs - even the bull mastiff at obedience class that could crush her with one paw! Now if we could get her to trust people in the same way, we'll be okay! We suspect she was abused in her previous home. The papers the former owners filled out stated that she was good with small children and lived with them - but she's absolutely terrified of them so we think there was some cruelty going on. She gets better every day though!

Roxy is a Plott Hound/Retriever mix. I maintain that she has some boxer in her. The way she stands at attention sometimes is IDENTICAL to a boxer. On a walk the other day Brad even said from a distance she looks like one. She has such pretty brindle coloring. She's extremely easy going and thinks that everyone is her best friend. If you pass her and don't stop to pet her or scratch her ears, she gets this mopey look on her face. She's become very protective of Chloe - when Chloe gets what Roxy considers "too close" to another dog at obedience, Roxy jumps in to "protect" her. Even when they're standing beside each other at obedience, they need to be closer. We probably could have saved a lot of money on beds and crates and just got one since they tend to want to sleep together anyway. 

And now some pretty little pictures of our pretty little pups! :)

Curled up together in one crate

We found Daddy!

More to come later, I'm sure.

3. Just a quick one. Don't tell someone you will write a letter of recommendation, only to find that with a week to go before all the material needs to be in, that you NEVER WROTE IT! Of course, it happens to be the one school that I really want to attend too...just figures!