I had a rough day.

When I moved up here, I took a part time job as a 911 dispatcher. I like the job much more than I thought I would/am willing to admit - you can't deny that every day is something new. But more importantly, it pays really well for a part time job (better than my old full time job!) and I can sign up only for the hours I want to work. If I want off a week, no biggie, I just don't sign up for that week. That flexibility is nice, especially for when I start school.

It's hard though. Really hard.

Today a call came in almost at the end of my shift that will stay with me forever.

It sounds harsh, but it wasn't the first time I'd taken a call for a person who had died. But this call was completely different.

For the first time, the woman on the other end of the phone started off the call with hope. She called, hoping for help which I did my best to deliver. This time, though, there was a defining moment where she realized her 40 year old husband was not going to wake up and I could hear her world crash down around her in a million pieces. He had laid down for a nap and never woke up. You can clearly tell, in the call, the exact second that she realized there was no hope. It affected me in a way I can't describe.

You can say, "oh yeah, that's terrible". You can say, "oh that poor woman". You can even say, "I know how she feels." But have you ever been *right there* with a person...when they have their personal epiphany that their beloved is gone forever? My thoughts haven't left this woman all night. I made it through the rest of my shift and to my car before I broke down. I had such an adrenaline rush from giving the CPR instructions that it took awhile for me to really let my emotions break free.

They tell us in training not to let the calls get to us - not to let them get personal. I knew I'd have a problem with this but so far it hadn't been too bad. It's never a good thing when a person dies but when the person has lived a long life a part of me tends to feel relief for them.

But when they're young and it clearly takes their spouse by surprise - when you hear that absolute moment that they break down and begin the grieving process - it's an unreal feeling. I've lost family and friends before. I know the pain you feel when you initially realize someone is gone. I also know that there's that numbness you feel. That numbness you *feel* - I can *hear*. It's absolutely heartbreaking and I can't even find a way to describe it. All I can say is that it makes me want to scream to every person I know not to take a single solitary day for granted. This man was 40 years old and never woke up. His widow's life came crashing down in a split second. Her life will never be the same and the next few weeks/months are going to be a total and complete hell. I have no idea who these people are but I've sobbed more for them since my shift ended than I've cried in a very long time. I'm grieving for them because I can't even imagine the shock and despair that she must feel right now.

This one hit me and hit me hard. I pray that no one who reads this will ever have to hear that moment where someone hits their rock bottom - but at the same time, it takes me to that Tim McGraw song - Live Like You Were Dying. No day is guaranteed. Not yours, not your family, not your friends and not your enemies. Don't live with regrets. Don't live "meaning" to do things. Just do them. Tell the ones you love that you love them every chance you get. Be unselfish.

If you ever  hear someone's heart break, you'll understand how I feel right now. It's one thing for your own heart to break. It's another thing entirely to hear someone else's heart break. It's even a different thing if you have a vested interest. I am a total and complete stranger. I almost feel like I was intruding on her personal moment. I share in her pain now. Obviously I can't feel half of the heartache that she feels right now but  I bear a lot of grief alongside with her. I wasn't able to help her. They tell me there was nothing I could have done - that he was probably already gone before she dialed the numbers. But just this once, I wanted so badly to help her. To prove them all wrong. That love can conquer all. But I'm not God.

This job may not be how I want to spend the rest of my career - but it's teaching me things that no 9-5 job could ever possibly come close. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. It can be ripped away in a split second.

Emotionally exhausted

A few things to get off my chest...

Even though no one really reads this :)

1. I have decided that I am vehemently opposed to forcing literature in school. Mind you, I love reading and I loved my English/Literature classes all through college - but I still don't think they should be forced. I don't think there's much that makes me more angry than to hear people say they "hate" reading. I take it as a personal challenge. Very few people in the world truly "hate" reading. They've just been forced to read things that they're not interested in for so long that they assume everything out there is ridiculously mind numbing. Reading and analyzing Jane Eyre might be fascinating fun for someone who say, wants to pursue a career in English/Literature. To most of the rest of us, it's not fun, not entertaining, and not something we want to do ever again. Yet if you give someone a book with something they're interested in, it's funny how their outlook on reading changes. Like a girl who "hates reading" but gets hooked on Nicholas Sparks (how can you NOT??) - she hated reading but when she was introduced to a book that interested HER, she can't get enough. Or my own husband, who hated reading - but when you get him some books about the Secret Service/FBI/Presidential details - he'll sit out on the beach all day with a book in his hand.

It kind of infuriates me that there are so many English/Literature professors out there who don't seem to care about making reading enjoyable - or something that people will continue doing after they graduate. I understand that there are "standards", but why use only the standards? Why not throw in a book or two that might actually engage students and make them interested? Other than English majors, how many people will find reading Beowulf exciting? And would want to find more books like that to read? I wish they would focus more on making reading something FUN for students - reading is something you can enjoy for the rest of your life, but the way they make most curriculums these days they are just tearing people away from it.

2. We're a month into having our two pups in the house and they've totally changed my life forever :) We've discovered that they are not the breeds that the shelter told us - Chloe is a Basenji mix - probably with a shepherd but that's not her primary breed. A girl at our obedience class mentioned that she looked like a Basenji so we went home and did some research and it's pretty much dead on. She has the biggest ears in the world. She's the quickest dog we've ever seen. Roxy is a fast dog, but Chloe leaves her in the dust. We think she'd make a great search-and-rescue dog: if you pretend to fall and be hurt, she will stop at nothing to get to you and just curl up beside you. I buried Brad in blankets and pillows and she went nuts getting him out of there. She loves nothing more than to have her belly scratched and makes friends with all dogs - even the bull mastiff at obedience class that could crush her with one paw! Now if we could get her to trust people in the same way, we'll be okay! We suspect she was abused in her previous home. The papers the former owners filled out stated that she was good with small children and lived with them - but she's absolutely terrified of them so we think there was some cruelty going on. She gets better every day though!

Roxy is a Plott Hound/Retriever mix. I maintain that she has some boxer in her. The way she stands at attention sometimes is IDENTICAL to a boxer. On a walk the other day Brad even said from a distance she looks like one. She has such pretty brindle coloring. She's extremely easy going and thinks that everyone is her best friend. If you pass her and don't stop to pet her or scratch her ears, she gets this mopey look on her face. She's become very protective of Chloe - when Chloe gets what Roxy considers "too close" to another dog at obedience, Roxy jumps in to "protect" her. Even when they're standing beside each other at obedience, they need to be closer. We probably could have saved a lot of money on beds and crates and just got one since they tend to want to sleep together anyway. 

And now some pretty little pictures of our pretty little pups! :)

Curled up together in one crate

We found Daddy!

More to come later, I'm sure.

3. Just a quick one. Don't tell someone you will write a letter of recommendation, only to find that with a week to go before all the material needs to be in, that you NEVER WROTE IT! Of course, it happens to be the one school that I really want to attend too...just figures!

Silly me.

Here I've been, trotting along with a closed off blog. Whoops! Thank you, Lindsay, for pointing out *with attitude* that you would like to read my blog again :)

Let's see, what's new. Training is trudging along. Nothing too exciting but at least once it's over I'll get to work whenever I want. I think all companies should adopt the "sign up for whatever hours you want to work" policy. If I want to work 60 hours one week, I can, overtime included. If I don't feel like working at all one week, I just don't sign up for hours. I just have to work 12 hours a month to keep all my certifications. Easy enough!

All the applications are in to all the schools, all the transcripts are in, I'm just waiting to hear back now. We shall see.

I put applications in on two dogs yesterday. One was a border collie (we were the 2nd application and I found out today that he was adopted yesterday). The other was a German Shepherd mix - we are the first application on her but Brad hasn't met her yet. He meets her tomorrow so we'll see how that goes. I love her but he has his heart set on a collie so we'll have to wait and see. I don't think we're ready for 2 dogs yet :)

I wish I had more to say but alas, I guess that's all for now. If you've missed my entries, they should all be visible now!

Yesterday was productive - Yay!

Well my husband finally made it home yesterday. He works at the top of a steep, curvy, mountainous road so when there's snow it's always a toss up. We went riding around, looking at the town and boy did I not know the damage that had been done.

I'm not *happy* that my next door neighbor was taken to the hospital...but we are incredibly lucky that our road was plowed early yesterday morning as a result. The road was melting and it made it really easy for us to get out of the house and get into town. I couldn't believe how many roads were shut down. The interstate was shut down - tractor trailers were having to sleep on the road, cars were being forced to make U-turns to go southbound. Neighborhoods were completely snowed in -by that I mean, there was so much snow the plows couldn't get in...and even when the plows could get in, the snow drifts were filling everything up with snow. It's going to be at least another week before life returns to normal up here. We might be close to Baltimore and DC, but it's still a small town. Not exactly at the top of their "dig them out" list. I'm wondering if my job will even start on Monday.

On that note, school stuff is pretty much complete.

Johns Hopkins application stuff got sent off on Monday (Masters of Communications degree) - I'm sure it hasn't made it yet because the mail hasn't been running, but at least it's off. The only thing lacking on it is the reference letters and I'm going to try to follow up with them next week to make sure they got them in. The big thing with them is 1) It's a big name school and 2) Starting next January I can finish my degree fully online. Meaning if we move somewhere, I don't have to try to figure out my school situation again.

I've got Shippensburg complete and ready to go (Masters of Communications). My biggest concern with them is 1) what they show on their website as their requirements and what they sent in a letter as their requirements...don't match up. I specifically chose programs that I didn't have to take the GMAT or the GRE. (Well, as long as you had a certain undergraduate GPA that is) They're saying I need test scores but I'm hoping they just didn't get the transcript yet.

I submitted Widener yesterday (Law school). If I can't get in there, I probably can't get in anywhere. Taking the LSAT 2 weeks before the wedding probably wasn't the smartest way to go about it - and I said as much in the essay. I've heard if you don't have strong scores, it's a good thing to try to explain why. So I did.

And on a last minute whim last night I applied for Mount St. Mary's University (MBA with a concentration in Marketing). The Mount is a really local university just up the road (it's where we work out also), it's reasonably priced and, again, they didn't require a GMAT OR GRE if you had over a 3.4 gpa. I'll probably wind up having to take more prerequisites because I didn't take many business courses in undergraduate...but I think I'll be okay. Brad took plenty of business courses and I think I could figure it out. One of my references from Wingate doesn't think I should shoot for an MBA, but I dunno. It could work for me.

I think the hardest thing is - I can't pinpoint what I want to do with my life. Well, I take that back, I know what I'd LIKE to do with my life, but it's not exactly something that makes sense at this point in my life. We're not settled yet, especially if we wind up moving again soon. I also don't know what is smarter - to just get a degree anywhere...or try to get it from a big name school. I didn't go to a big name school - I went to a small school no one has ever heard of. I don't know if it's in my best interests to just GET a degree...or get one from a school that you've heard of.

Well, those are my options for now. Hopefully the mail will start running soon and I'll be able to get all this stuff in the mail.

Off to wake up the hubby!

Craziest week of my life so far.

You'd think that being stranded would have given me a million reasons to blog more. But for some reason...I found other things to do. :)

First off, I got the crazy exciting news that my best friend is getting MARRIED!!!

The future Mike & Kristi Beabout!

I'm beyond excited to start focusing on a new wedding! This time I just get to go along for the ride instead of being center of attention which I'm pretty pumped about :) Still waiting on a date but it's looking like August or September in Richmond. I'm incredibly honored to be her Matron of Honor (along with cousin Kelli as Maid of Honor). And because we all love ring shots...

Mike done good :)

Then we have this insane snowstorm that's been banging the crap out of us. Last weekend was pretty crazy but apparently mother nature was just warming us up for "The Big One". 

During one of the few moments I could see across the street

Now, I grew up in the mountains and I have seen snow - contrary to what people up here seem to think (every time we get snow I get a ton of "Well, I guess this is the most snow you've ever seen, huh?"  Yeah, not even close). This came pretty close though. The state shut down (or attempted to shut down) all the roads. They even threatened to fine people who ended up driving on the roads. I don't blame them. If I can't see my car, parked in the carport, because of the wind and snow, how on earth do you think you're going to be able to see another car or the end of the road? Crazy people. So not only was the wind howling like crazy and snow blowing like the Tundra...but I was here alone. Brad got snowed in at work. Nights like that I am SO glad I lived on my own for 3 years. I could've easily gotten freaked out but I just stretched out in our nice comfy king bed and had a slumber party with myself. Ahhh.

Then there's this morning. I was laying in bed, not sure if I *really* wanted to get up yet (I knew I wouldn't be leaving the house anytime soon)...when I heard...the *beepbeepbeep* of a large truck. My first thought was, "No WAY they're picking up trash today!! NO WAY!" So I go to the window and see a dump truck...behind it is a plow vehicle...behind it is...a fire truck? Then an ambulance. Then another emergency vehicle. They plow our road and wind up...next door. And someone next door got sent to the hospital. I called Brad's mom because it's an elderly lady who lives next door and she's good friends with Brad's grandmother (whose house we are currently living in).  They didn't seem to be in TOO big of a hurry, which I hope is a good sign. I texted Brad to find out what's going on (he gets texts from Dispatch for all emergency calls) and he said it was because someone had trouble breathing. The elderly lady's daughter and a few of her children live there too - mind you, her daughter is selling drugs out of the basement so it could have been her that the ambulance was called for. But anyways, that's the drama of today so far. My road is probably the only road in town that is plowed though, so that's good for Brad if he's able to come home tonight.

Sorry for the blur, I took them with my computer because I can't find the cord to my camera.

At least the sun is shining and the skies are blue, right?

Why do I suddenly feel like I'm back in high school?

I just submitted my graduate applications for Shippensburg University and Johns Hopkins University. Obviously JHU would be my first choice but if I'm being honest with myself - what's the odds I'll actually get accepted?


Today's goals: Get my transcript requests to Wingate, get my Letters of Recommendations out to an old professor and employer, and finalize my essay & resume.


And we're off!

My Bucket List

The only place I had this saved was on myspace, which I never do anymore so I'm bringing it over here...